


Drop The World

by lillyluna



Series: Drop The World [2]
Category: Sports RPF, Swimming RPF
Genre: Break Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-18 13:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillyluna/pseuds/lillyluna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Shelter</p><p>*</p><p>“We’ve been broken up for months.” Ryan tries to defend himself, “Everyone’s on his side. No one’s ever like heard me out-“</p><p>“Because you’re the asshole.” Megan yells it, “You’re the one who fucked up. Go back to your room Ryan, get out.” </p><p>Ryan sits up and his head feels like it’s going to explode. He fishes out his wallet and digs through it until he finds the keycard. He gets up and heads for the door; he can feel Megan staring at him. </p><p>“At least tell him.” She calls out, “You owe it to Michael to tell him you’re with someone else.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You keep the sunshine, save me the rain

**Author's Note:**

> I felt that it was unfair that we didn't get to hear Ryan's side of the story.

“YOU OWE ME MORE THAN FORTY-FIVE FUCKING SECONDS.”

Ryan hears Michael through the elevator doors but doesn’t let go of the close door button. He leans his head back against the wall of the elevator only to find himself staring at his reflection on the mirrored ceiling. He takes in a breath, holds it and lets it go slowly.

“FUCK YOU RYAN. FUCK YOU.”

Ryan hears Michael’s fist hit the closed metal door and takes another breath. Making it to the elevator had felt like a final escape but Michael could take the stairs or another elevator and meet him two floor doors. He exhales and hopes that Michael’s hurt enough to not follow him; that he’s finally pissed him off enough for him to just let it go.

He digs through his pockets for his hotel key card and it’s nowhere to be found. His head is killing him and he remembers Mike saying Megan had delivered him to the room.

*

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He asks her as soon as she opens the door, “Why would you let me go there?” He bursts in and flops down on her bed.

“Good morning. You’re looking good.” She closes the door, “Your keycard’s in your wallet.”

“You seriously brought me to his room? We broke up Meg.”

“No.” She says shortly, “You went to his room. You got drunk and you decided he was the only one who would understand you. I tried to get you to go back to your room Ry, you wouldn’t listen.”

“You shouldn’t have let me.” He groans, “It fucked everything up. Dude… You don’t get how fucked up this whole thing is-“

“So.” She goes into the bathroom and comes back out with a bottle of Advil, “I’m guessing you’re not back together.”

“No!” Ryan flops on his stomach, “We’re done. Like I don’t think you understand what an asshole I was to-“

“Oh no Ry.” She holds out three pills, “We all get how much of an asshole you were, believe me. Everyone gets it.”

“I made it fucking worst, I was-“ He groans and covers his face with his hands, like maybe if he tries hard enough he can forget kissing Michael and get the dull ache that’s hanging out somewhere in his chest to leave. “He saw me fucking cry, fuck.”

“Get over yourself.” Megan rolls her eyes, “Everyone saw you cry yesterday, you were crying when we got to the hotel. You got the doorman to give you a hug.”

“Fuck, I was drunk.”

“Yes you were.”

“We fucking…” He presses his palms into his eyes, “hooked up, ugh.”

“I figured there was a reason you wan-“

“Fuck, how am I suppose to… Fuck!” Ryan punches the bed beside him, “This is fucked up!”

“No one knows Ryan. If you still want to be the jerk-“

“Don’t.” He rolls on his side to face her. He ignores the pills she shoves in his face. “You’re on my side.”

“Get your shoes off my bed.” She shoves at his feet and sits down, “No one knows you were there. Why do you care?”

Ryan stares at her through his fingers and lets out a breath, “Austin’s coming.” He mumbles.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Megan slaps his legs hard, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“He’s like… I need him here.” He says quietly

“One day before we fly back you need your boyfriend here? You need to shove it in Michael’s face?” She sounds disgusted, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“He was on-call, he couldn’t make it for my birthday but he’s flying in tonight and then-“

“Is he going to the- Please tell me you’re not bringing him to the party.”

“Yeah. I’m flying him here, I’m not going to leave him in the room.”

“As your friend? Are you bringing him as your friend?”

“He’s walking in with me.” Ryan shrugs, “Like my date I guess.”

“That’s a low blow Ryan.” She shakes her head, “Go back to your room, your key card’s in your wallet dumbass.”

“We’ve been broken up for months.” Ryan tries to defend himself, “Everyone’s on his side. No one’s ever like heard me out-“

“Because you’re the asshole.” Megan yells it, “You’re the one who fucked up. Go back to your room Ryan, get out.”

Ryan sits up and his head feels like it’s going to explode. He fishes out his wallet and digs through it until he finds the keycard. He gets up and heads for the door; he can feel Megan staring at him.

“At least tell him.” She calls out, “You owe it to Michael to tell him you’re with someone else.”

 

**February 2010**

 

Ryan dislocates his shoulder playing basketball with Kyle and Devon.

“We need someone stronger.” The female ER doctor had been trying to manipulate his shoulder back into its socket for ten minutes.

“I’ll do it.” Devon grins from beside the exam table, “How hard can it be?”

“We have some med students on rotation tonight.” The doctor ignores Devon, “One of them used to play football, maybe he’ll have more luck.” She carefully places Ryan’s arm back into the sling. “How’s your pain?” She asks.

“I’m good, it’s just numb.”

“I’ll go see if I can find Austin, hang tight.” She says before eyeing Devon suspiciously, “And don’t let him have a try, it’s more complicated than it looks.”

“Did you hear her?” Ryan says once she’s gone, “Don’t touch me dude, you’ve done enough damage for a day.”

“I was just trying to block your shot.” Devon defends himself, “How was I suppose to know you were going to crash?”

“If that’s your story…” Ryan focuses his attention back to his phone. He takes a shot of his shoulder all fucked and still orange from the iodine for the Lanacane shot and texts it to Michael.

“I bet he’s hot.” Devon says after a minute.

“Who?” Ryan stares at his phone waiting for an answer.

“The dude they went to get to fix your arm.”

“I’m taken.” Ryan smiles, “But like you go right ahead.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Neither am I.”

“Please, you and Phelps are pretty much married.”

“Yeah? He’s the only dude I’ve ever been with so shut up. I was slayin’ hoes before you were alive.” He tosses his phone at Devon knowing that Michael’s probably in the pool and won’t text back for another three hours.

“Did you call him?” Devon asks, “Is he like on a direct flight to come take care of you?”

“He knows and he’s training, he’s not gonna fly out.” Ryan snaps.

“You’d fly out for him dude.”

“Just shut up Dev.” Ryan snaps at him again. He hates the hospital and his shoulder aches. His coach is going to be pissed as fuck.

“I found him.” The ER doctor walks back into his room followed by a tall blonde guy who looks about Ryan’s age, “This is Austin, with him we should be able to get your shoulder back where it’s suppose to be.”

“Hey,” Austin says kind of awkward, he bumps into the counter by the sink and sends the tray with the bowl of iodine splashing to the floor and on his lab coat.

“Please.” The ER doctor says and she sounds exasperated, “Just watch where you’re going. Spatial awareness Austin.”

“I’m sorry,” He mumbles at her, “Sorry.” He repeats looking at Ryan.

“I’m going to go page the cleaning crew, just read his chart and get him resting back. Take off your lab coat.”

Austin shrugs out of his coat and dumps it into the soiled linen bin before stepping closer to Ryan’s bed.

“Lie back man.” Austin fiddles with the bed controls, “We’re going all the way down okay?”

“Sure.” Ryan agrees, letting the guy keep his shoulder steady as the bed moves back, “I’m kind of a klutz too so like-“

“Ha yeah,” Austin grins, “Like I think it’s the only thing that might fail me out of med school. I knock everything over when I’m tired.”

“I’m sorry.” Devon interrupts their conversation looking concerned, “Do you know what you’re doing because like the other doctor said it was more complicated than-“

“This isn’t my first time,” Austin smiles reassuringly at him, “Don’t worry. Plus like she’ll be back. I’m just helping.”

“I didn’t hear anything else crash.” The ER Doctor says as she walks back in, “Good job Austin, now lets see if we can do this.”

*

“If it hurts you have to tell me,” Austin tells Ryan, “Don’t like be tough about this okay dude? I need to know.”

Ryan’s not sure doctors are allowed to use the word dude but there’s something about the super awkward frat guy looking medical student that makes the whole ordeal less scary, like maybe he’s at a frat party on a dare instead of in the emergency room about to get his joint forced back into its socket.

Austin takes Ryan’s wrist in one hand, bends his elbow at an angle and flexes Ryan’s arm at the shoulder joint. He presses his palm against the joint while the ER doctor presses on his chest.

“Fuck.” Ryan cries out after a minute, “Stop.” He hits the bed railing with his good hand.

“Stop.” The ER doctor says, “don’t drop his arm.”

“Ok.” Austin holds Ryan’s arm steady, “Let’s just wait it out, tell me when the pain stops.” His fingers linger on Ryan’s wrists, “Take some deep breaths for me, your heart rate’s fast.”

“Yeah well you were like breaking my shoulder.” Ryan goes to hit the rail again but Devon’s hand stops him.

“Just keep breathing.” Austin’s fingers are still pressed against his pulse point and his eyes are fixed on his watch. “We’ll wait for your heart rate to drop and then try again?” His last statement is more like a question directed at the doctor.

She nods at him and Austin keeps counting.

*

Half an hour and one sickening sounding pop later, Ryan’s shoulder is back into its socket.

“Thanks.” He says as he waits for someone to take him down to x-rays.

“Don’t worry about it dude,” Austin looks like he’s about to pat his shoulder but he pats the arm of his wheelchair instead, “You’ll be back in the pool in like-“

“How d’you know I swim?”

“If you saw all the nurses that were pretty much just waiting outside to take care of you,” Austin laughs, “I think a brawl might break out. I’ve never had so many of them ask if I needed help.”

“Too bad I fucked up the hand I sign autographs with.” Ryan says dryly.

“So you won’t sign my speedo?” Austin grins, “I’m just messing with you, they’re all super jealous of me right now, I won’t have to get my own suture kits for at least two days.”

“Are you taking me down to X-rays?” Ryan asks because Austin’s still holding on to his wheelchair.

“Oh no. No way man.” Austin takes a step back, “You’re like important and I might crash it into a wall or- your brother can wheel you. I have other patients I gotta see.”

“Well thanks.” Ryan holds out a hand.

“It’s all good, it was like my workout for the day.” Austin fiddles with his stethoscope and his face turns serious “Now like. I don’t want to see you here again okay? Basketball’s a dangerous sport. Be careful.”

 

**London, Current Time**

 

Flashes of the night before come back to him in the shower.

He remembers the lights in the club, the desperate girl clinging to his neck and the interview he’d done in the afternoon. The self-doubt settles back in his chest like dead weight.

He remembers being in the cab on the way back to the hotel and deciding that Michael would be the only one who could understand. He’d been right, Michael had said everything he’d needed to hear. Even after four months of Ryan acting like the worst person in the world, Michael had taken him in without hesitation and made sure he’d been okay.

He washes his face and tries not to think about how he hadn’t even thought of calling Austin.

 _It’s because he was on-call_ , he tells himself, _You didn’t want to bother him._

He remembers begging. Begging Michael to touch him, begging Michael to take him back and begging Michael to make him feel like himself again. Because the truth is that ever since he’d made that pathetic phone call from his truck while waiting at a red light on his way to practice. Ryan had felt like someone else.

 

**March 2012**

 

Instead of driving to practice, Ryan drives back home. He finds Austin still in scrubs sleeping at the kitchen counter. The whole kitchen smells like burnt toast and Austin’s hand is slack around a cup of coffee.

“Dude.” Ryan puts a hand on his back, “Wake up.”

Austin jerks awake and knocks over his cup of coffee, “Fuck.” He says, “I was just like… I gotta be back at the hospital in…” He gives up trying to explain and puts his head back down on the counter.

“You almost burned the kitchen down again bro.” Ryan shakes his head at him.

When Austin doesn’t answer or show signs that he’s awake, he starts to rub his shoulders. After a minute, Austin lifts his head up again.

“Did the fire alarm go off?” Austin asks through a yawn.

“No.”

“Then it’s not almost, I’m good.” Austin sits up on his stool and leans against Ryan’s hand, “Why are you back? You should be at practice.”

“I broke up with him.” Ryan says it casually while reaching for the roll of paper towels.

“You did what?” Austin turns to face him looking more awake.

“I broke up with him.” Ryan repeats. He lets go of Austin’s shoulder, grabs the soaked paper towels and walks around the kitchen island to go throw them in the garbage.

“Dude what?” Austin yawns, “Like yesterday you guys were on the phone talking about fucking IVF and I had to explain dominant genes to you instead of playing Halo.”

“Yeah um… I just, like.” Ryan throws the burnt toast away and puts more bread into the toaster, “It’s not what I want.”

“So yesterday you were willing to have kids with the guy and this morning you just break up with him? What’s the deal Ry?” Austin reaches for the pot of coffee and refills his cup, “You’re not like… What’s going on?”

Ryan doesn’t answer him right away, he waits for the toast to pop back up, “What were you going to put on these man?” He holds the slices up.

“Peanut butter but -” Austin argues, “Dude are you seriously making me breakfast right now? Stop. Talk.”

“Like I was thinking and it’s not what I want.” Ryan smears peanut butter on the toast, cuts them in half lengthwise and hands the plate to Austin, “And you look like dead dude, I’m just trying to help.”

“Why d’you break up with him dude?” Austin grabs onto Ryan’s wrist when he reaches for the plate, “It’s not like you guys were just casual you’ve been together for like-“

“I- “ Ryan looks down, “You.”

“For me?” Austin tightens his grip on Ryan’s wrist.

“Um…” Ryan still won’t look at him, “Yeah, I guess… I mean…”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing. I mean… I hung up pretty fast he…”

“Did he call you back?”

“No.”

“He didn’t fight for it?”

“No.” Ryan’s surprised by how much that hurts, “He just… no.”

“Then he’s fucking stupid.” Not letting go of Ryan’s wrist Austin gets up and walks up to him. “I’d fight so hard, You don’t even understand.”  
Austin snakes his arm around Ryan’s waist and pulls him in close. He leans his head on Ryan’s shoulder.

Ryan sighs in relief, feeling Austin pressed against him. They’ve been doing this for months now but now he doesn’t feel guilty about it. His hand combs through the tangles in Austin’s blonde hair and he rubs his fingertips against his scalp.

“I don’t like want him to fight.” Ryan says quietly because Austin’s gone slack against him, “I want to be with you.”

Austin makes an appreciative noise and kisses Ryan’s neck.

“Are you sleeping standing up?” Ryan tugs on Austin’s hair a little, “Dude, let’s get you to bed.”

“No.” Austin pulls away from his arms, “I gotta be back in two hours, I came home to grab something. I can’t remember what it was but like I had a reason.”

“Dude.” Ryan hands him the plate of peanut toast forgotten on the counter, “You can’t even stay awake to eat, how the fuck are you going to like… Fix people?”

“Coffee.” Austin says as he chews a bite, “I get one of the nurses to like pinch me every five minutes.”

“Yeah, finish your breakfast.” Ryan kisses peanut butter from the corner of Austin’s mouth, “I’ll like drive you to Shands, it’s on my way to the pool.”

“No,” Austin argues, “Then you have to come pick me up and I don’t get off until super late- like past your bed time.”

“I don’t care dude.” Ryan steals a piece of toast, “Maybe they trust you to doctor it up but I don’t trust you to drive.”

“This is a pretty sweet deal.” Austin grins, “You make me breakfast and drive me to work. You’re a good boyfriend.” He tests the word out, “When I’ve like slept in two days, I’ll make it up to you.”

Michael calls him back as he’s driving Austin to work. Ryan ignores the call and once he’s at the pool, he deletes the voicemail without listening to it.

 

**London, Current Time**

People had been treating him differently, no one had wanted to hear his side of the story and he’d been too scared to bring Austin anywhere near his friends because he couldn’t even imagine the reaction. None of this mess was Austin’s fault and Ryan wasn’t going to let him take the blame.  
He hasn’t been able to tell anyone how different it feels to be with Austin. How easily Austin just loves and how his body just fits into Ryan’s. How Ryan loves that Austin is two inches shorter than him.

There’s a bruise on his side and he remembers falling down. He remembers Michael pulling him up. He remembers fucking everything.

“Fuck dude.” He says out loud to no one but himself, “Fuck.”

He remembers how good it had felt to be with him and how hurt he had looked leaning against the doorframe of the bedroom.

He closes his eyes again, leaning forward to let the hot water hit his back. He forces Michael out of his mind and thinks of Austin. Thinks of sun bleached blonde hair and green eyes.

He thinks of the suit that’s already waiting for Austin in his closet and how he hasn’t seen him in three weeks. He thinks of their late night phone conversations that are usually interrupted by Austin’s beeper going off or his name being paged over the hospital intercom. Thinks of how proud he feels every time he hears someone refer to Austin as Doctor Bracey. How he hopes that Austin is as proud of him for winning medals. He thinks of how hard it is to be apart.

By the time the water in the shower turns lukewarm on even the highest setting, the tight spot in his chest has disappeared and he can close his eyes without seeing Michael’s hurt face staring back.

He looks at his watch while he dries his hair with a towel and Austin’s only an hour away. He calls to make sure the car picking Austin up at the airport is still booked before he calls Erica to tell her he’s still alive.

Michael’s called him twice. He doesn’t call him back.


	2. And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside

**February 5th 2012**

  
“Over in the kitchen,” The real estate agent says, “You can see the original brick from the factory. It’s fantastic.”  
  
Ryan’s bored out of his mind. He plays with the building leaflet and kicks the toe of his sneakers against the reclaimed hardwood floor from whatever the fuck year it had come from. This is the fifth place they’ve visited today.  
  
He doesn’t hate the building as much as he hates the snow outside and how everything he says sounds fucking stupid. He’s pretty sure the real estate agent is pretending he’s not there.  
  
He had almost cancelled his trip. The thought of winter and walking through houses he didn’t want to live in while the boring woman in the suit talked about original hardwood and granite counter tops made him want to slit his own wrists.  
  
He knows why it’s happening. Michael’s been throwing the word retirement around for the last two years and he’s figuring out his life, their lives. Ryan figures he should be happy as fuck that Michael’s taking steps forward that he wants to plan a life that he wants to have something waiting for them after London.  
  
Ryan knows he’s been acting like an asshole since the moment he’d gotten off the plane. Michael kept making excuse after excuse for his behavior and trying everything to get him in a better mood.  
  
He wishes he was just in a funk, tired from training and bummed out from the snow but it’s more. It’s the plans he’s going along with, a life he’s actively building that he doesn’t want to deal with. There’s no real part of him that wants to move away from Florida, no part of him that wants to….  
  
Stop seeing Austin.  
  
“What do you think?” Michael asks, taking him out of his thoughts.  
  
The real estate agent has left them alone in the empty living room to talk. Ryan doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there staring out of the window.  
  
“I dunno. It’s high.” Ryan shrugs, pressing his forehead against the cold glass.  
  
“Well it’s the penthouse” Michael comes to stand right beside him. Leaning his back against the floor to ceiling window. “I didn’t know heights was a thing for you.”  
  
“I’m bored.” Ryan admits, “This sucks.”  
  
“It’s our last one for today.” Michael says, “I just wanted to get as many in with you in town so that like I know what you…. Have you had someone come look at your house?”  
  
“Why the fuck would I do that?” Ryan finally looks away from the glass, turning his head sideways to make eye contact with Michael.  
  
“If we’re moving in together here, what’s the point of you having a house there?” Michael tries not to sound like he’s running out of patience.  
  
“Right.” Ryan bites his lip and looks back down. He wants to run out of the building and get out of this miserable penthouse that’s all glass and exposed brick and windows that look out to just cold winter. He just wants to get back home.  
  
“Dude, what’s your problem.” Michael nudges his shoulder, “Like if you hate it this much we’ll just leave.” If you hate this so much, why did you come he really wants to ask.  
  
“Fuck dude I’m just… tired and this is.” Ryan bumps his shoulder into Michael’s, “Like I’d rather be-“  
  
“Not here.” Michael finishes for him and sounds hurt, “Dude if you didn’t want to come why d’you even show up.”  
  
“I just… No.” Ryan tears the leaflet a bit trying to come up with words, “I just hadn’t thought that like moving here meant I had to leave there. It’s just a lot.”  
  
“It’ll be okay Ry.” Michael says relieved that Ryan’s bad mood has nothing to do with him and everything to do with Florida, “We’ll be living in the same place and everything will be better.“ He runs his fingers through Ryan’s hair.  
  
“Just not this place though because like… Where do you put them?”  
  
“Put what?” Michael turns Ryan around to face him and slips both of his hands in Ryan’s back pockets, squeezing his ass through the fabric.  
  
“Kids.”  
  
“Our what?”  
  
“Kids, this place is too small.” Ryan says it without thinking. Then he sees the grin on Michael’s face and feels his stomach sink. Our kids, Michael had said.  
  
“Ok so,” Michael kisses him still smiling, “Not this place… We’ll look for ones with like backyards?”  
  
Ryan kisses him back instead of answering because he hadn’t meant their kids, he’d meant nieces and nephews and fuck, nothing he was saying was coming out right. He smiles at Michael when they pull apart but even he knows it’s not very convincing.  
  
“Dude,” Michael massages the back of Ryan’s neck, “You’re so fucking tired, let’s just go back to my place. We can grab food on the way.”  
  
Ryan drops his head forward, resting his forehead on Michael’s shoulders because Michael’s hands feel good kneading his neck. He nods.  
  
“What do you want?” Michael kisses somewhere between Ryan’s hairline and his temple, “We can get like-“  
  
“Chinese.” Ryan mumbles.  
  
He can feel his whole body relax and he can forget about the stupid houses and selling his house in Florida and how Austin’s always the one who leans into him. He remembers that Michael always makes sure he’s okay. That this is where he’s supposed to be.  
  
“I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole.” He kisses Michael’s neck, “Just… stressed.”  
  
“I know. I feel it.” Michael pushes his thumb against a knot in Ryan’s back, “You here until Sunday?”  
  
“Monday,” Ryan groans when Michael presses harder on the knot, “I’m here for Superbowl.”  
  
“You always have a party,” Michael drops his hands from Ryan’s shoulders and takes his hand, “I thought you’d go back for it.”  
  
“Empty house… Austin’s at the Superbowl with his dad and like we needed to do the house stuff.” He doesn’t even finish.  
  
“Shit I get you an extra day?” Michael grins, “Jeah!”  
  
“Jeah!” Ryan can’t help but grin back; this is what he doesn’t get all the way in Florida. He doesn’t get Michael’s hands on him or the smell of his cologne mixed in with laundry detergent.  
  
He thinks of how he woke up next to Austin that morning and his stomach turns.  
  
  
 **May 2010**

  
Ryan doesn’t think about the ER med student until he runs into him at the gym on a Monday morning. Without scrubs, a lab coat and a stethoscope around his neck, Austin looks nothing like a doctor. He’s wearing shorts and a wrinkled high school football team t-shirt.  
  
Their eyes catch in the mirror and Austin grins.  
  
“Hey.” Austin drops the free weights he’d been working with, “Your shoulder good?”  
  
“Yeah man,” Ryan had cringed when the weights had dropped to the mat, “You did good work. I haven’t had problems since.”  
  
“Awesome! That’s the problem with the ER, I help fix all these people and I never get to see anything afterwards.” Austin says, putting the weights back in their slot and rolling a medicine ball closer to him.  
  
“I’ve never seen you here before.”  
  
“I’m usually here super late.” Austin says, “Or I like don’t come at all… Let’s be honest.” He laughs at himself. “Today’s my day off… So I thought I’d come workout straight from rounds and then go home and study and then sleep.”  
  
“Sounds like a fucking blast.”  
  
“Don’t knock sleep dude. Sometimes I think that once I’m done med school and residency I’ll just sleep for a week straight. It’s like my happy thought.” Austin just rolls the medicine ball back and forth with his foot.  
  
“It’s how I feel after competitions.” Ryan admits, “Except that my body fucks me over and I wake up early anyways. What are you planning on doing with that ball man?”  
  
“Um…” Austin examines it, “Probably nothing… I should probably get home before I’m too tired to drive. I fell asleep in my back seat last week, it was great.”  
  
“I get it dude, I have to be at the pool in an hour.”  
  
“Yeah well,” Austin picks up his water bottle and rolls the medicine ball back to its place, “I’ll see you later.”  
  
“Hey my like… arm’s working again.” Ryan says, “So if you still want that speedo signed.”  
  
“That was a joke.” Austin laughs, “I don’t even fucking know how to swim..”  
  
  
 **February 2010**

  
Michael calls him back once Ryan’s back home trying to play GTA with just one hand and a mind that’s hazy from painkillers.  
  
“What the fuck was that picture?” Michael sounds disgusted, “I don’t even know if that’s a-“  
  
“It’s my shoulder, I fucked it up.”  
  
“Dude.” Michael groans, “How the fuck do you always get injured“  
  
“I was just playing basketball, Devon turned it full contact, I dislocated my shoulder.“  
  
“Someone’s going to kill you. I swear they’re going to start keeping you in a padded room somewhere on campus.”  
  
“They’re used to it.” Without his right hand, Ryan has trouble working the controller.  
  
“Is it bad?”  
  
“No.” Ryan shrugs even though Michael can’t see it, “They had to get the football player med student to pop it back in though.”  
  
“Sounds hot.” Michael jokes, “Maybe you should have sent a picture of him instead.”  
  
“I’m fucking injured here.” Ryan complains, “You’re trying to hit on med students.”  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s just sore, I’m out for a bit. It sucks. You should come over and take care of me.” Ryan pounds the controller frustrated.  
  
“I can’t dude, you know that.”  
  
“You won’t.” Ryan smashes buttons with his palm and then throws it across the room. It hits a precariously stacked tower of red cups and sends them flying everywhere. “That’s the difference.”  
  
Ryan knows he’s being mean but he can’t help it. Since Devon had thrown that comment in the ER he’d felt a gnawing pain at the bottom of his stomach that even the painkillers they’d given him wouldn’t stop. He would have flown out if the situation was reversed, he would have called back right away and he wouldn’t have thought about it. In his head, a whole bunch of things come before swimming, but times like these punch him in the face with the realization that in Michael’s head swimming comes before everything.  
  
“Don’t Ry.”  
  
“It’s the truth.” Ryan’s voice is bitter, “Whatever.”  
  
“If you’re out for a bit, fly here.” Michael suggests.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan groans, “My shoulder hurts and I’m pissed off. I know you can’t come over.”  
  
“Come here then.” Michael tries again, “I’m looking at tickets and you can be here in time for like pizza night tomorrow.”  
  
“Do you want me to come?”  
  
“Don’t be an asshole dude, I just said…” Michael’s quiet for a few moments, “There I just bought your ticket. You’re leaving at ten tomorrow morning.”  
  
“Thanks.” Ryan mumbles. He slips a hand between his neck and the brace for his arm.  
  
“Want to play Xbox?” Michael offers, “I can go live.”  
  
“No, I can just use one hand, it’s not working out.”  
  
“Which arm is out?”  
  
“My right. The one Dev smashed into.”  
  
“Oh dude,” Michael laughs, “I get why you need me to take care-”  
  
“Shut up dumbass.”

  
**London, Current Time**

  
Ryan falls asleep in just a towel while waiting for Austin. He doesn’t wake up when the door opens or when Austin calls out his name the first time.  
  
He stirs awake when the mattress moves and opens his eyes when he feels a fully clothed body press up against him.  
  
“Shit.” He says yawning, “I fell asleep.”  
  
“Hey.” Austin rests his hand on Ryan’s abs just above the towel. He holds up a white piece of cardboard with Dr. Bracey printed on it. “Nice sign.”  
  
“Thought you’d like it,” Ryan turns to face him.  
  
“Rough day?” Austin says when Ryan hugs him tight enough to knock his breath out.  
  
“Rough fucking Olympics.” Ryan admits  
  
Ryan slips his hand under Austin’s t-shirt, running his fingers up and down his back. His other hand tangles up in Austin’s hair, pressing him closer to his chest. He holds him there and Austin doesn’t fight him and doesn’t try to move away. He can feel Austin’s breathing slow down.  
  
“Did you go from work to the airport?” Ryan asks him. He turns on his back rolling Austin with him. Austin props his chin up on Ryan’s chest.  
  
“Yeah, it was easier.” Austin’s fingers start to tug at the towel around Ryan’s waist, “Long fucking flight though.”  
  
“Sleep dude.”  
  
“No, I’m gross… I should shower.” But Austin doesn’t move, he slips his fingers under the now loose towel. “Dude, you’re pulling my hair. Stop.” He complains and tries to move his head away from Ryan’s fingers.  
  
“Dude.” Ryan laughs and yanks Austin’s head back closer, “You have an elastic like tangled up in your hair.”  
  
“Probably.” Austin shrugs, “I like fall asleep and then it falls off and it-Ow!”  
  
“I’m getting it out,” Ryan grabs Austin’s wrist and pushes his hand away, “Stop fighting it.”  
  
“Did you get my texts?” Austin kisses him, hoping to distract Ryan from pulling half his hair out.  
  
“Yeah,” Ryan answers when they pull away, “They kept me going… I know that’s super lame but whatever.”  
  
“I was…dude ow!” Austin cries out.  
  
“Stop moving!” Ryan holds his head still, “I almost have it. Keep talking.”  
  
“I watched you on the TV behind the nurses’ station. I DVR’ed all your races and let Carter watch after I got home. He says hi, I don’t know if he’s ever going to give you your spot back on the bed.” He complains when Ryan pulls on his hair again, “Stop dude. Seriously that hurts.”  
  
“There.” Ryan holds the elastic in front of Austin’s face. “Brush your hair dude.”  
  
“Thanks” Austin grabs it, “You still hurt me.”  
  
“Fuck I missed you.” Ryan’s fists grab onto Austin’s shirt. “I needed you here.” He pulls him up to kiss him.  
  
“You did so good babe.”  
  
“Not good enough.” Ryan mutters, “I was suppose to like-“  
  
“No babe.” Austin kisses him again, “You did fucking amazing, I’m super proud of you.”  
  
Ryan turns his head away because it doesn’t sound as believable coming from Austin as it always had coming from Michael. The ache in Ryan’s chest fires up again. He turns over and pins Austin underneath him to cool it down.  
  
Austin pulls the towel off Ryan’s waist and throws it somewhere beside the bed while Ryan pulls off his t-shirt and pushes his shorts and boxers off together. He kisses Austin hard then pulls away, slipping two of his fingers into Austin’s mouth until they’re slick.  
  
“Lube’s all the way in my suitcase.” He explains before kissing him again.  
  
“You know,” Austin wraps one of his legs around Ryan, “If it makes you feel better we can talk about how much of a disappointment you think you are.”  
  
“Shut up.” He laughs it off but he pushes two fingers into Austin right away knowing it’s too rough.  
  
“Ow, fuck!” But Austin arcs up against his hand, “It was a joke.”  
  
  
 **June 2010**

  
Austin is super smart and doesn’t swim. He uses words that are too big and Ryan jokes that he should just stay home and bench press his textbooks.  
  
Austin’s also one of the only other people in the gym at five in the morning on weekdays. In the locker room, Ryan listens to him talk about his class schedule and his work schedule and the studying and by comparison Ryan feels like he has more spare time than he knows what to do with.  
  
When Austin does has free time, which is something that happens about once a month, he comes over to hang out they play Xbox with Devon, eat pizza and drink beer. Austin is also fearless on a skateboard and he quickly becomes part of Ryan’s circle of friends.  
  
“So after you kick my ass at Madden.” Ryan tells him one night, “You just drive to the hospital and like save people?”  
  
“The most I do is like stitches.” Austin had shrugged off his comment, “I’m just still a med student dude… It’s never my call I do what other doctors tell me. Every once in awhile I man handle Olympic medalists.”  
  
“Still, that’s kind of awesome.” Devon had added.  
  
“Whatever dude, just hit play.” Austin had mumbled clearly embarrassed.  


**January 13th, 2012  
**

  
“Come pick me up.” Michael says as soon as Ryan answers, “I’m at the airport.”  
  
“You’re not dude.” Ryan pulls into the parking lot of the pool, “And I’m about to go to practice.”  
  
“I’m serious, my plane literally just landed, we’re not even out.” Michael tries again, “I want to see you babe come pick me up.”  
  
“You’re serious?” Ryan leans his head on the steering wheel, “You’re here? Now?”  
  
“Don’t sound so happy about it fuck…” Michael says definitely not sounding happy, “I thought I’d like-“  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan lifts his head and puts the key back into the ignition, “It’s just early. I’m heading out now meet you in front.”  
  
*  
  
Ryan tries not to think of exactly how much of Austin’s stuff is mixed up with his. How many of his clothes are on the bedroom floor and how he knows he’s definitely wearing Austin’s shirt.  
  
He distracts Michael by kissing him as soon as they get through the door. Before Carter even clues in that they’re there.  
  
“Fuck yeah.” Michael grins, “That’s the kind of welcome I wanted.”  
  
Ryan falls back on his bed first and he fishes around the blankets for the condom wrapper he knows is somewhere in the blankets. He closes his hand over it while Michael kisses his neck and drops it between the headboard and the wall. Then he wraps his arms around Michael and kisses him back hard.  
  
*  
  
A ringtone that definitely isn’t Lil Wayne wakes Michael up three hours later. Ryan is already reaching across his chest to the bedside table.  
  
“Who’s fucking phone is that?” Michael groans, “That’s not your-“  
  
“Fuck, it’s Austin’s he forgot it.” Ryan swipes his thumb across the screen to send the call to voicemail. He checks the caller ID, “That’s his dad, shit. He’s just going to keep calling.” He turns the phone off and puts it beside his own.  
  
“Why’s his phone in your room?” Michael asks.  
  
He examines the mountain of stuff on the bedside table more carefully. There’s a coffee stained print out of the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, a half dozen black hair ties and some crumpled band-aid packages.  
  
“He couldn’t find his charger.” Ryan lies with a straight face. “He loses fucking everything.” He notices Michael looking at the pile of Austin’s things on the bedside table, “I found all that stuff in the kitchen. I was holding it and I just- dude it’s not what it looks like.”  
  
“Fuck,” Michael shakes his head, “It’s just-“  
  
“Don’t babe.” Ryan kisses him, “What time is it?”  
  
“Like ten.”  
  
“Shit.” Ryan sits up and throws the blankets back, “I gotta go.”  
  
“No,” Michael reaches over and holds Ryan back, “Stay in bed.”  
  
“I can’t.” He pries himself away from Michael’s grip, “Like I’ll be back in twenty.”  
  
“Where d’you have to go that’s more important than right here?”  
  
“Fuck, this is going to sound bad.” Ryan looks around the floor for a shirt he knows for sure belongs to him, “But I have to pick Austin up from his night shift.”  
  
“Ryan-“ Michael frowns, “Stay.”  
  
“I dropped him off before I went to get you at the airport. He doesn’t have his car and he’s a fucking hazard driving after his nightshifts. I usually pick him back up after morning practice.” Ryan pulls on some sweatpants. “If you want to come we can go get some breakfast… It’s what we usually do but like Austin pretty much always falls asleep so I’ll have someone to talk to for a-“  
  
“This guy’s just your roommate?” Michael glances back at the pile of non-Ryan things on the bedside table, “Because dude this is-“  
  
“He’s kind of my best friend.” Ryan shrugs. “He’s a cool guy.”  
  
“I’m your best friend dude.”  
  
“ I meant that like… Um, he’s just. We skateboard together and he lives here so we play Xbox all the time and his-“  
  
“I don’t need to hear it dude.” Michael rubs a hand over his face and tries to shake off his suspicions, “Is there seriously like nothing you need to tell me?”  
  
“No.” Ryan bites his lip, “Let’s go have breakfast.”  
  
*  
The drive to Shands is quiet. At a red light, Ryan reaches over to rub the side of Michael’s face and Michael turns his face to kiss the inside of his wrist. He puts his hand over the one Ryan has on the gearstick and it feels better.  
  
Ryan pulls up somewhere near the emergency room and Austin gets up from where he’d been sitting on the curb and makes his way over to the car. Ryan lowers his window and points him to the backseat.  
  
“Are you wearing crocs?” Ryan peers out his window at Austin, “Because like you know the rules man.”  
  
“You gotta stop,” Austin climbs into the backseat, “Shoving sneakers in my backpack. They bent my stethoscope again.”  
  
“Are you wearing crocs or not?” Ryan reaches back to look.  
  
“No, you shoved sneakers in my backpack. Just leave them in the car next time-“  
  
“But like you have to walk out of the hospital and sometimes you come meet me and like if you do that in Crocs people might- I’m just looking out for your style man.”  
  
“Hey,” Michael makes eye contact with Austin in the rearview mirror, “I’m Michael.”  
  
“Oh shit.” Ryan says, “Sorry. Mike this is Austin, Austin this is Mike. I’m trying to teach this kid the important lessons they don’t teach you in med school. Like how you don’t wear Crocs outside the hospital.”  
  
“Hey.” Austin says but he turns his attention back to Ryan, “I have to wear them, it’s not a choice.”  
  
“It’s your choice once your shift is over ba -dude.” Ryan catches himself in time. “Are you coming along for breakfast?”  
  
“Well now that I’m wearing shoes I might as well.” Austin rolls his eyes, “Seriously.”  
  
“Got any good stories?”  
  
“Oh man.” Austin’s head is leaned back against the headrest and his eyes are closed, “I wanted to call, totally delivered my first baby, it was so gross and so fucking cool.”  
  
“That’s fucking awesome!” Ryan keeps looking back at Austin instead of the road. “Boy or girl?”  
  
“Boy.” Austin grins, “Like the mom was waiting to be transferred to the maternity ward and it was either have it in the waiting room or in the back and I was checking my chart and the nurse just dragged me in. He was slippery as fuck and I was shaking.”  
  
“That def beats your story of the guy with the cellphone up his ass.” Ryan laughs.  
  
“I haven’t even told you the best part yet… Ask me what they named him.”  
  
“Roberto.” Michael says because he really feels like they’ve both forgotten he’s in the car.  
  
“What did they name him?” Ryan asks, punching Michael in the shoulder.  
  
“Austin.” Austin says proudly, “Dude if he’s still in the maternity ward tomorrow you have to come up and see him through the glass. I’m going to go check up on him before my shift starts.”  
  
*  
  
The first thing Michael notices about Austin once they’re sitting across from each other at the diner is his “Listen to Ryan Lochte” t-shirt.  
  
“Nice shirt.” He points out when Ryan leaves the table to go to the bathroom.  
  
“Oh yeah,” Austin looks down at his own chest, “I just grabbed one out of the laundry. I wasn’t really awake when I left this morning and like I had to change when my shift was over so-“  
  
“It’s funny,” Michael laughs but it sounds fake and his eyes definitely aren’t smiling, “Because Ry was wearing a UF med school hoodie this morning.”  
  
“Our laundry room’s a mess.” Austin shrugs, “What d’you want me to say bro?”  
  
“Ryan colour codes his closet.”  
  
“Dude.” Austin yawns, “Like I don’t know where you’re trying to go with this but there’s nothing. I just grabbed the wrong shirt.”  
  
Michael lets it go but he swears Austin smirks from behind his coffee cup.


	3. The top gets higher, the more that I climb

  
**May 2011**  
  
They haven’t talked about Worlds.  
  
Competition is something they try to keep out of their relationship because talking about it never goes well. They can trash talk a hundred miles an hour until they’re both blue in the face but actually talking about competition never happened.  
  
It sucks because on days when Ryan gets home from training and his mind is so full of times and sets and reps that he can’t process anything except sitting on a chair in the backyard and staring at nothing. On those days when even Devon knows to leave him alone Ryan wishes he could call up Michael and tell him that he worries he’ll let everyone down.  
  
He swims shit that morning and his knee is bothering him so much one of the trainers had suggested using crutches again when he’s walking. Once he’s home and sitting in his backyard, he knows he should be icing his knee but walking back into the house seems like too much fucking work.  
  
He stares at his phone, which he fucking hates doing. Before he wouldn’t have thought about it, he would have just typed out the same txt they always sent each other and pressed send. However, Michael’s been taking hours to answer back lately and it makes him feel pathetic, like he’s the one who needs more.  
  
He can’t think of going to Shanghai and being behind. Can’t think of Michael with a gold medal stashed in his bag hugging him and telling him he did good. He never used to care but they’ve been talking about things and Ryan can’t think of living a life where he’ll always be second. It didn’t use to fucking matter and he doesn’t know what changed.  
  
He closes his eyes and scratches behind Carter’s ears. He tries to visualize hitting the wall first, getting gold medals and standing on top of the podium. He imagines beating Michael, he imagines winning.  
  
He hears the patio door slide open and slide shut, he feels Carter turn his head to look over and when he opens his eyes, Austin is standing by the pool, staring at the water.  
  
“Thinkin’ ‘bout jumping in?” Ryan calls out. He’s been trying to get Austin in the pool since he moved in.  
  
“Shit.” Austin clutches his chest, “You scared the fuck out of me, I didn’t know you were out here.”  
  
“Sorry.” Ryan says, “I wasn’t trying to scare you.”  
  
“I’ll let you just-“ Austin doesn’t finish because he doesn’t know exactly what Ryan’s doing, “I’ll go back in.”  
  
“No, stay.” Ryan points to the chair next to his, “I’m just… sorting shit out. ”  
  
Austin seems to hesitate, like he knows he’s walked into some kind of private moment. He eyes the patio door but goes to sit down beside Ryan.  
  
“Beer?” Austin holds out his unopened bottle.  
  
“Can’t. Training. Worlds.” Ryan groans and he closes his eyes again.  
  
“Good sentence bro.” Austin uses the arm of his chair to open his beer. He tips it in Ryan’s direction and takes a sip.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“Your knee’s swollen as fuck.” Austin leans forward in his chair to get a better look. “You should ice it.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“As long as we’re on the same page.” Austin drinks back the rest of his beer.  
  
“So what the fuck happened to you?” Ryan asks while Austin is still busy chugging.  
  
“Nothing.” Austin says when he puts the bottle back down. “Just sorting shit out.”  
  
“Cool, keep getting drunk before lunch then.” Ryan rolls his eyes at him, “You suck at pretending you’re good.”  
  
Austin doesn’t answer. He walks back inside the house and returns with another beer. He drinks half of it before he talks again.  
  
“Some guy OD’ed and he coded and nothing we fucking did worked and he died.” Austin says and his voice is oddly flat, “I hate it when we can’t-“  
  
“Dude he OD’ed.” Ryan nudges Austin’s leg with his foot, “Not your fault.”  
  
Austin shrugs off Ryan’s reassurance; he starts peeling the label off his beer bottle.  
  
Ryan nudges him again, “It’s not like he was sick and you couldn’t make him better you-“  
  
“You don’t get it.” Austin catches Ryan’s foot and props it up on his knee, “Like it doesn’t fucking matter what he did, it was still my job to-“  
  
“You did everything you could?” Ryan stops him.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Then you-“  
  
“He still fucking died Ry.” Austin grips Ryan’s ankle when he tries to pull his leg away.  
  
“Ok.” Ryan holds his hands up, “Keep drinking then bro, can I have my foot back?”  
  
“If you’re going to be a lazy fucker and not ice your knee,” Austin moves his chair forward so Ryan’s body isn’t twisted sideways, “At least keep it elevated.”  
  
“If you care so much, go get me ice.”  
  
“Go get me another beer, then we’ll talk.”  
  
Austin starts to palpate Ryan’s knee, “This is the one you hurt right?”  
  
“Yeah. Break dancing.” Ryan sits up and his hand hovers right above Austin’s ready to knock them out of the way as soon as they bring on pain.  
  
“I don’t want to like hurt you but does-“  
  
“Dude it just hurts, without you touching it. Stop.”  
  
“Like here?” Austin presses down on a spot that makes Ryan feel like he’s going to throw up.  
  
“Fucker I will punch you in the fucking balls if you do that again.” Ryan hisses through his teeth. “Stop!”  
  
“Yeah, those crutches you ditched by the front door? You should be using them.” Austin rubs his hand just above Ryan’s knee, “I’ll go get you ice asshole”  
  
“Take your crocs off before you go in the house again, those things are fucking insulting.”  
  
 **January 13th 2012**  
  
Michael puts his hand on Ryan’s thigh as soon he sits in the car. He leans in to kiss his neck, making a deliberate show of it. He feels like flipping off Austin but holds himself back.  
  
He squeezes Ryan’s thigh and moves his fingers further up until he’s running them along Ryan’s dick. He sees Ryan’s hands tighten over the steering wheel has he backs up. He grips him through the fabric just as Ryan has to glance over his shoulder to check for cars, forcing him to look at Austin.  
  
Ryan takes his hand off the gearstick as soon as he’s out of reverse and pushes Michael’s hand away.  
  
“Stop.” He says under his breath, “I’m fucking driving.”  
  
“No.” Michael leans into him again, “Austin’s in the car.”  
  
“Fuck.” Ryan groans, he takes Michael’s hand and puts it back on his crotch, “If I crash it’s on you.”  
  
*  
  
They’re at a red light when Ryan puts his hand over Michael’s again, “Dude stop,” He whispers even though Austin’s asleep. “I’m gonna cum.”  
  
“Yeah?” Michael keeps his hand going, “What’s the problem?”  
  
“Not in the car. Fuck.” Ryan moans, “I’m right there.”  
  
“That’d be hard to hide when we got home.” Michael runs his other hand under Ryan’s shirt, fingers skimming over his abs.  
  
“The light.” Ryan leans his head against the steering wheel, “Is about to turn fucking green and I can’t fucking keep driving like-“  
  
“Wanna cum in my mouth?” Michael asks, slipping his hand under the waistband of Ryan’s sweatpants.  
  
“Fuck don’t talk like that shit.” The last few words are almost whimpers; Ryan thrusts his hips up against Michael’s hand.  
  
Michael tugs Ryan’s sweatpants down and pulls out his dick, he sucks on his head and pulls away fast: “Cum before the light changes.”  
  
“Yes, suck me off fuck.” Ryan’s hand grasps the headrest “Swallow it.”  
  
Michael pulls away “Maybe once we’re home.” He sits back in his seat and pulls out his phone, “Don’t finish yourself off.”  
  
  
 **September 2010**  
  
After missing Madden night three weeks in a row Austin shows up at the gym with a black eye.  
  
He walks through the weight room avoiding Ryan and heads for a punching bag. He doesn’t stop or look away from the bag and Ryan’s too focused on his own workout to head over, knock his headphones out and ask questions.  
  
When Ryan heads back to the locker room, Austin is shoving stuff from his locker into a backpack.  
  
“Hey.” Ryan says sitting down next to Austin’s bag. He pulls out a pair of black Crocs. “These are lame as fuck dude, don’t tell me you wear them.”  
  
“They’re hospital issue.” Austin grabs it out of Ryan’s hand and stuffs it back into his bag, “I don’t have a choice.“  
  
“Devon thinks I did something stupid and that’s why you’re not coming over for Madden anymore. He misses your ER stories, like I think he might have a crush on you.” Ryan laughs, “I caught him watching Scrubs the other day, you might have inspired the kid to-“  
  
“I don’t feel like talking dude.” Austin interrupts him, “No offense but can we just.” He grabs the back of his shirt and pulls it over his head. “I haven’t slept and I have to go straight to class. I have to shower.”  
  
There’s a giant bruise on Austin’s side and another one on his stomach.  
  
“Dude.” Ryan grabs his arm to stop him from walking away, “What the fuck happened.”  
  
Austin grabs a bottle of shampoo and flip-flops from his locker, he yanks his arm but Ryan holds on.  
“Bar fight? Did you like trip and fall down the stairs? Med school football match?”  
  
“A stupid fight with my boy- my roommate.” He pushes away the hand Ryan lifts up to touch the bruise, “It’s okay. I got it looked it, don’t touch it.”  
  
“Your boyfriend or your roommate?”  
  
“Not here.” Austin looks around the change room, “Seriously.”  
  
“Seriously.” Ryan mocks Austin’s tone, “You’re my friend, I don’t give a fuck.”  
  
“He’s not my boyfriend anymore but like I don’t want… I wasn’t like abused.” Austin explains, “Like don’t think I was just some pussy who…” He holds up the back of his hands to Ryan’s face and shows off bruised and scraped knuckles, “I got more hits in.”  
  
“Is that where you were living?” Ryan asks. He thinks of the two really intense fights Michael and him have ever had and how they’d always stopped before punching each other out.  
  
The first fight had been before they’d officially been going out, when they’d just been best friends who hooked up. There had been myspace pictures of Ryan making out with a sorority girl at a frat party and while they were in line for pizza at a place in Baltimore Michael had slipped his hand into Ryan’s back pocket. They’d started fighting in the car and by the time they were back at Michael’s place Ryan had been so angry he’d punched the refrigerator and left a dent.  
  
He’d stormed out and gotten on the first flight back home and Michael had followed him and gotten on the next flight after that one.  
  
After that they’d been a couple.  
  
“Yeah, all my shit is there.” Austin closes his locker door using more force than necessary.  
  
“Are you going back?”  
  
“No,” Austin turns away, “He kicked me out, he didn’t like that- It doesn’t matter dude, I’ll crash with my brother or my lab partner, it’s not like I have a ton of time to be home.”  
  
“I got an extra room.” Ryan offers, “Like it’s yours if you want.”  
  
 **July 2011**  
  
 _"I'm so glad this meet is over ... It has been a long, long eight days. For the most part, I'm not really happy. I mean, it's definitely great to have won five golds, but I know I can go a lot faster."_  
\- Ryan Lochte, 2011 World Aquatics Championships  
  
Ryan only finds out he’s not rooming with Michael when they get to Shanghai and he sees that the bag that’s on the other bed in his room is definitely not Michael’s.  
  
They haven’t seen each other in weeks and their phone calls had tapered off as the training had gotten more intense. When they hadn’t had anything else to talk about except for times and training, they had stopped calling each other.  
  
Ryan had started talking to Austin instead because Austin had other things to talk about. Austin talked about gross ER stories and new cheats he’d found for GTA. When Ryan talked to him about the pool he didn’t analyze anything.  
  
Ryan doesn’t even see Michael for the first few days and when he does, Michael waves and keeps walking or keeps talking or gets up from his seat and leaves. Ryan feels like they’re back in Beijing ignoring each other so people don’t catch on instead of being in a relationship.  
  
They haven’t sat anyone down to tell them except their family they’re together but two years in everyone kind of knows. So there’s no excuse to ignore each other but clearly Michael hasn’t gotten the memo.  
  
Ryan takes his anger out on the water and his times aren’t his best but he still breaks records and wins gold. The medals, the podiums and seeing his name on top doesn’t tame how stupid hurt he feels. When Michael rubs his head or hugs him poolside it’s friendly and nothing more. It’s a long as fuck competition and by the end of it he’s fucking exhausted and done and ready to go home.  
  
He catches Michael in the hallway on their last days there.  
  
“Hey.” Michael slips a hand behind Ryan’s neck and kisses him quickly, “Are you checking out?”  
  
“Dude.” Ryan pulls away, “You haven’t talked to me all week.”  
  
“I know, I just didn’t….” Michael looks around the hall before leaning his head down on Ryan’s shoulder, “Know if it was cool to-“  
  
“Of course it was cool, fuck.” Ryan kisses his hair, “Like I’ve been going around mad as fuck thinking you’re… It hurt dude.”  
  
“I’m sorry babe. I just didn’t want people like talking about it. Like you should be able to-“  
  
“Yo I can focus even if you’re not ignoring me.” Ryan pushes Michael away a little, “Like I don’t need you to take care of that. There’s when I race and that’s totally not my life. I can deal with both so don’t act like an asshole to help me out-“  
  
“It worked.” Michael shrugs, “You-“  
  
“What?” Ryan pushes Michael a little further from him, “What the fuck did you say?”  
  
“You didn’t even.” Michael stops himself.  
  
“Didn’t even what?” Ryan challenges, he tries to breathe through his anger “Finish that thought dude, I really want to hear what you think.”  
  
“No.” Michael shakes his head, “No babe it’s-“  
  
“Don’t fucking call me that.” Ryan squares his shoulders and takes a step away, “I didn’t even what? Deserve it? Train hard enough? Take it seriously? Commit? Give my best? Which one dude? Which one was it gonna be?”  
  
“None of them Ry.” Michael says taking a step forward, “I wasn’t going to. Come on” He tries, “Don’t be-“  
  
“Bullshit.” Ryan’s voice cracks and he hates himself for it, “If you’re fucking mad that I beat you then whatever dude fuck but don’t make excuses because doesn’t matter what you think of me, I fucking did enough to win. On my own. Without your fucking help.”  
  
“I’m not mad.” Michael tries to reach out for Ryan, “Come on, listen to me.”  
  
“I don’t fucking know dude.” Ryan starts to pace, “You’re my like boyfriend and you make me feel like” Ryan shrugs, “What’s the point if half the time we’re not-“  
  
“Ry.” Michael reaches out for him again, grabs onto his shoulders, “Don’t.”  
  
“I don’t know dude.” Ryan repeats. “Like I did fucking great and-“  
  
“You said yourself you weren’t happy.” Michael puts a hand up when Ryan starts to interrupt him. “You beat the fuck out of me and you said it wasn’t good enough. So this fucking goes both way.”  
  
“No!” Ryan shrugs Michael’s hands off him, “No. Once we get out of the fucking pool or we leave the deck that’s over. Like once we’re out and we’re here that shit’s over and you’re my boyfriend and my boyfriend shouldn’t care that I said I wasn’t happy.”  
  
“Ry.”  
  
“Don’t fucking Ry me. Don’t talk to me like I don’t make sense because I’m ready to want out. This has been like the shittiest week of life.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Michael offers, “I love you dude. It’s just been a tough week.”  
  
“Why? You have to tell me this shit or I don’t know.”  
  
“Not here Ry. D’you want to go eat?”  
  
“Are you breaking going to break up with me? Because this place is fine dude”  
  
“No.” Michael puts an arm around Ryan’s waist and pulls him in close, when Ryan doesn’t fight it he kisses him. “I’m breaking up with swimming I think.”  
  
 **London, 2012**  
  
“Hey, this is Doctor Austin Bracey.” Ryan motions nervously between Cullen and Austin. He keeps his arm firmly around Austin’s waist, rubbing his fingers along his side.  
  
“Dude,” Austin rolls his eyes, “Just Austin.” He holds out his hand.  
  
Cullen shakes it but his grip is loose and Ryan sees him look around both of them looking for a way out. It doesn’t take long for him to spot someone, point to them and politely excuse himself, leaving Ryan and Austin standing alone once again.  
  
“Shit babe.” Austin groans, “I’m trying.”  
  
“I know,” Ryan kisses him quickly, “It’s not your fault.  
  
“If you keep introducing me as a doctor.” Austin clearly looks uncomfortable. “I’m going to start introducing you as gold medalist Ryan Lochte when we get back home.”  
  
“That be awesome.” Ryan laughs and kisses him again.”  
  
“Dude, stop.” Austin pulls away, he looks pained, “Like everyone here hates me already and-“  
  
“No one hates you babe,” Ryan says reassuringly. He runs his fingers through Austin’s hair and they don’t catch in any tangles, “They really just hate me right now. It’s not about you.”  
  
“No, they hate me.” Austin insists, “I walked by his mom and I just know she’s his mom from tv and shit and if like mean looks could kill I’d be fucking dead.”  
  
“Yeah well his mom’s pretty intense.” Ryan takes Austin’s empty glass away and offers him his own, “You can get drunk dude, I’ll take care of you, maybe this wasn’t my best idea.”  
Austin downs the rest of Ryan’s drink and laughs, “Yeah, I think this was the worst idea.”  
  
“Hey,” Ryan pulls him in close, “D’you wanna leave?”  
  
“Dude I came here for this, to show support, some asshole isn’t going to get me to-” Austin stands up a little straighter, “I can deal dude. Fuck them.”  
  
 **November 26th 2011**  
  
Ryan gets home from Thanksgiving dinner hours before Austin gets off work. He stacks the Tupperware containers his mom sent him home with on the kitchen counter and falls asleep on the couch watching ESPN.  
  
He wakes up when Austin plops himself down on his feet.  
  
“Shit!” He cries out, “Hey.”  
  
“Fuck Brantley getting injured.” Austin points to the result of the Seminoles/Gators game, “I saw that fucking hit man brutal and Brissett did fuck all to help us out afterwards. Fucking worst game-“  
  
“I know.” Ryan yawns and kicks his feet from under Austin, “I watched it. It was bad enough dude I don’t need a recap. How was work?”  
  
“Busy.” Austin lays down, between Ryan and the couch, he settles his head on Ryan’s chest, “Some guy tried to, I don’t even know… Deep fry the turkey but he said it exploded out of the pot and smacked him across the face and his jaw was fucking dislocated and kind of burnt and like.” Austin laughs, “Imagine having your jaw dislocated by a half deep fried turkey.”  
  
“My mom sent you food,” Ryan points to the Tupperware containers on the kitchen counter.  
  
Ryan shifts on the couch to give Austin more room, he doesn’t even think about it anymore. “You have to move to get it though.”  
  
“No way you’ll go get it for me?” Austin says hopefully, “Like take pity on-“  
  
“Dream on dude,” Ryan laughs, “Get your ass up. Get some food.”  
  
Austin gets up with an exaggerated sigh and jumps over the back of the couch. Ryan takes one more look at the recap of the disastrous football game, turns off the tv and follows him into the kitchen.  
  
“If this is what you took home.” Austin grabs a plate from the cupboard, “How much food did your mom make?”  
  
“She felt bad you had to work.” Ryan reaches into the container with the turkey and grabs a piece, “Must have sucked man.”  
  
“It’s ok.” Austin says pilling mashed potatoes on his plate, “Like not being with my family is kind of a relief. I put my own name up to work. My dad understands work responsibilities. He doesn’t give me shit for it. My brothers do but fuck them for bossing me around because they’re older.”  
  
“You could have come with me dude,” Ryan pulls two beers out of the fridge, “I have two younger brothers we can boss around.”  
  
Austin shakes his head and puts his plate in the microwave, “It would have been weird… like you have a boyfriend and-“  
  
“I can bring friends,” Ryan laughs, “Just because I’m-“  
  
“Are we just friends though?” Austin says, “Like we don’t talk about it and that’s cool but around your family, they might fucking notice and I fucking know I’m THAT guy but I don’t really want your family to know.” He turns around to look at Ryan while his food warms up.  
  
“Yeah,” Ryan hands one of the beers to Austin, “I know we-“  
  
“You should just break up with him.” Austin doesn’t make eye contact. He puts the beer back in the fridge and pulls a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard. He pours a shot into a glass and walks towards the fridge to get ice, he drops a few ice cubes into the drink.  
  
He sips it and looks straight at Ryan, “Like if you wanted me with you at Thanksgiving, you should just-“  
  
“I know,” Ryan says, “But like… we’ve been together for like-“  
  
“Whatever dude.” Austin shoots back the rest of his drink and refills his glass. The microwave beeps and he takes the plate out, “I’m going to eat this outside, I need fresh air.”  
  
“Do you want to be alone or?” Ryan doesn’t move from his spot at the counter.  
  
“No. Fuck.” Austin shakes his head, “Beside what if I like fall into the pool or something. You’ll have to rescue me. Grab the bottle.”  
  
As he eats his Thanksgiving dinner, Austin regales Ryan with more Thanksgiving ER stories. Like the wife who threw a gravy boat at her husband over a comment he made about her mashed potatoes or the kid with food poisoning who’d projectile vomited on three nurses.  
  
“Why d’you become a doctor?” Ryan asks once Austin’s stories trail off.  
  
“It was that or a gay porn star.” Austin says off hand taking a bite of a roll.  
  
“Seriously dude.”  
  
“I am serious, totally could have been a porn star. Better hours.”  
  
“Yeah right.” Ryan jokes, “You wouldn’t.”  
  
“I wanted to be like a paramedic,” Austin says between bites, “To help people right away you know, not when they get to the hospital. My dad said I was too smart for it and like my older bros were already doing some fucking awesome shit. I wanted to be an army medic for a bit but after… “ Austin trails off and lets his fork drop, he turns in his chair to face Ryan.  
  
“After what?” Ryan absentmindedly grabs Austin’s hand, he rubs the pad of his thumb across the inside of Austin’s wrist.  
  
“My…” Austin “Like do you want the real story or the bullshit story I tell everyone?”  
  
“The real story dude, if you want.” Ryan takes some stuffing off Austin’s plate.  
  
“If you listen I’ll tell it, but it sucks and like…” Austin intertwines his fingers with Ryan’s  
  
“You don’t have to talk about it –“ Ryan insists, “Like forget I said anything.”  
  
“No dude,” Austin swallows, “I’ll tell it.”  
  
“My brother Tyler. My little brother,” Austin says the name like it hurts and Ryan’s never heard him talk about a third brother, “Died in like a car crash when he was sixteen, like right before I was applying to college.”  
  
“Fuck dude, if Dev-“ Ryan doesn’t finish, “I couldn’t.”  
  
“The night, he called me for a ride and I wasn’t listening for my phone and like the next time I looked at it. I had his voicemail and one from my parents telling me to get the fuck home and one from my other brother Andrew telling me to call him to get picked up.” Austin’s hand shakes and it makes the ice cubes in his drink clink against the glass.  
  
“I didn’t like know it was.” Ryan takes the glass out of his hand, “You don’t-“  
  
“It was just an hour after Ty’s message.” Austin keeps talking like Ryan hadn’t stopped him, “So I thought maybe he’d still be waiting for me. I passed by the wreck on my way to get him and I remember thinking that the car was so fucked up there was no way the people in it were still alive you know? Like-“ Austin clears his throat.  
  
“You can stop.” Ryan offers, “Like I didn’t know it would… fuck dude.” He gets up from his chair and goes to sit on the arm of Austin’s.  
  
“The kid he rode home with was drunk.” Austin explains. “Him and Tyler didn’t like… The kid in the backseat got off with a gash on his face and a fucking broken ankle. He said that like the guy driving was out right away but Ty was still alive and talking but by the time he got to the ER-“ Austin stops and takes his drink back from Ryan, “And like, I should have been there to pick him up.” Austin’s voice goes quiet,  
  
“Dude, there’s no way it was your fault. Like how were you suppose to know?”  
  
“After he died.” Austin doesn’t say Tyler’s name again, “I just like killed myself in pre-med and then med school. It was easy to just study and not hurt and like my dad was super proud; he’s a doctor too you know. He said I couldn’t be an army medic because it would kill my mom.”  
  
Austin reaches for the bottle somewhere near his feet but Ryan takes it away from him.  
  
“Come on.” Austin complains, “Getting drunk is the only Thanksgiving tradition my family has that I really care about.”  
  
“Is that why you don’t go home, like ever?”  
  
“It’s bad bro, like my mom gets super sad and drunk and then my dad just pretends everything’s okay. Kyle and Andrew get pissed off and yell, then my dad yells at them for yelling at our mom. Last Christmas Kyle got punched in the face. Sometimes my mom won’t… come downstairs and then it’s just us and awkward.”  
  
“What do you do?” Ryan puts the bottle down behind him and hands the fork back to Austin, “Eat, c’mon… My mom makes like the best stuffing.”  
  
“I just sit back?” Austin pushes the food around his plate, “Like whenever things get bad I just wait for someone to turn on me and say that if I’d answered my phone he wouldn’t be dead and things would be okay.” He drops the fork, “Seriously can I have the bottle?”  
  
“No.” Ryan says, “There’s no way they blame you Aust… You just-“  
  
“Blame myself.” Austin drops his fork, “Fuck.”  
  
“I didn’t mean to like… get you all-“  
  
“No, it’s okay.” Austin reassures him, “You didn’t know, I talked.”  
  
“Next holiday, you can hang with my family dude.” Ryan puts his arm around Austin’s shoulders and holds him close, “It’s good times. Seriously dude though. Eat.”  
  
“I’m not hungry.” Austin pushes the plate away and yawns, “I just want to sleep.”  
  
“Fuck dude.” Ryan picks up both their glasses and the bottle, “I wouldn’t have like made you tell that story if I knew.”  
  
“Just. You were gonna find out.” Austin shrugs, “It would have sucked whenever I told you, doesn’t matter.”  
  
Ryan follows Austin back into the house. He drops both their glasses in the sink, puts the bottle back in the cupboard and starts piling the Tupperware into the fridge while Austin scrapes the rest of the food into the garbage.  
  
“D’you want to come to bed?” Austin asks unsure, “Like being alone just-“  
  
“Yeah.” Ryan finds himself holding onto Austin’s hip, “Yeah I’ll be right up. I just have to make a call.” He leans in and kisses Austin quickly, he grins when he pulls away. “Stay awake, I won’t be long.”  
  
“Don’t worry.” Austin kisses him back, “I’ll be up.”  
  
*  
  
“Sorry man.” Ryan says once Michael picks up, “We were eating diner when you called and then I feel asleep once I got home. I know it’s late.”  
  
“It’s okay.” Michael yawns, “My mom was bummed you weren’t here.”  
  
“Yeah, my mom was bummed you weren’t there too, but I think I got all your leftovers so it wasn’t like a tragedy.” Ryan laughs.  
  
“I saw the highlights of the Florida State-“  
  
“Dude can we not talk about the Florida game?” Ryan groans, “Like I watched it, I lived the pain, it’s over.”  
  
Michael laughs, “I miss you babe, when are you coming down?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Ryan admits, “With training I don’t really have time and I want to spend Christmas with my family you know? Not to like… Nothing against yours.”  
  
“I know.” Michael yawns again, “We’ll figure something out, maybe like New Years.”  
  
“Yeah maybe… Anyways, go back to sleep dude, I’m sorry I woke you up”  
  
“I’ll talk to you later babe, call me tomorrow?”  
  
“I will yeah.” Ryan leaves the kitchen and starts walking towards the bedrooms, “Night dude.”  
  
“Night Ry.” Michael says and the dial tone hits a second later.  
  
Ryan puts his phone in his pocket and instead of going straight to his bedroom; he stops by Austin’s door.  
  
“My room.” He tells him, “My bed’s bigger.”


	4. And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond

  
**January 1st 2012**  
  
“Fuck.” Ryan screams.  
  
He punches his hand down on the sink and stares at his reflection in the mirror. He turns on the faucet and splashes cold water on his face.  
  
Him and Austin never turned off the television in the living room and he can hear Ryan Seacrest’s voice live from Time Square telling him there’s less than five minutes left until the ball drops.  
  
He sits down on the floor and leans against the wall. In the other room, Ryan Seacrest sounds so fucking cheerful Ryan wishes he could punch his face out. He takes his phone out from his pocket and dials without even looking.  
  
He doesn’t expect the call to connect but after three rings he hears the sound of a crowded room and Ryan Seacrest’s voice is booming somewhere in the background there too.  
  
“RY?” Michael screams, “Can you hear me?”  
  
Ryan leans his head forward to rest on his knees, “Hey.”  
  
“Babe?” Michael yells again “I can’t hear you, hold up.”  
  
Ryan can hear the noise on the other end of the phone get dimmer, he can almost see Michael dodging out of wherever he is, squeezing between people and ducking under doorframes. He hears a door close and then the noise is gone and replaced by wind. He imagines Michael huddled up outside in the cold, he wants to be next to him so bad.  
  
“Hey baby.” Michael says and Ryan can tell he’s kind of drunk.  
  
“Where are you?” Ryan sniffs and tries to sound normal.  
  
“My sister’s, it’s just family… fuck you should be here. I miss you Doggy.”  
  
“Fuck I miss you too, I want to be there so bad.” Ryan traces the grout between the tiles with his finger, feeling the roughness he tries to think of anything other than how guilty he feels.  
“Where are you?” Michael asks, “It’s too quiet for a party, did you sneak out to call?”  
  
“No. I stayed home.”  
  
“You what? Why?” In Baltimore Michael squares his shoulders against the wind. The cold air has sobered him up a bit. “Talk to me Ry, what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing.” Ryan answers but his voice tells another story, “I just-“ He takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes shut, “I feel like…”  
  
“Like what Ry?” It’s getting really cold and Michael heads back into the house. He climbs the stairs and walks into the empty baby nursery; he closes the door behind him. Ryan still hasn’t talked.  
  
“I need you here.” Ryan breathes out through his nose and looks up at the ceiling trying not to fucking cry. He hears Ryan Seacrest excitedly announce that there’s one minute left and at the same time hears Austin’s footsteps in the upstairs hallway. He reaches to his left and fumbles to turn on the shower.  
  
“What’s wrong babe? Tell me. Fuck.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan sobs out. He punches the wall behind him.  
  
“You didn’t do anything, what are you sorry for?” Michael pleads, “Fuck dude I feel fucking useless here, what’s going on?”  
  
Beyond the bathroom and the running shower Ryan can hear Ryan Seacrest counting down. He tries to swallow back his tears because he’s never cried in front of Michael and he feels fucking pathetic.  
  
“Talk baby.” Michael says softly, “I’m here.”  
  
“It’s like almost midnight.” Ryan finally says because Ryan Seacrest’s finally shut the fuck up, “Happy New Years.”  
  
“Happy New Year.” Michael replies but his voice is still concerned.  
  
“I love you.” Ryan says, “I’m sorry for-“  
  
“I love you too, look I’ll try flying out next week or-“  
  
“Yeah,” Ryan agrees, “I- we need that.”  
  
“Call me tomorrow okay? Try to find a party or something, it’s still early. Go have fun.”  
  
Ryan laughs, “You telling me to have fun, shit’s fucking turned around.”  
  
“Seriously.” Michael laughs too, “I’ll talk to you later okay?”  
  
“Go back to your party, I miss you MP.”  
  
“Same Doggy.”  
  
Ryan hangs up, drops his phone to his side and reaches out to close the shower. Austin knocks on the door just as the shower turns off.  
  
“Ry?” Austin’s voice is quiet, “Why are you down here?”  
  
“We left the tv on. I couldn’t sleep.” Ryan calls out, “It’s ok.”  
  
“Can I come in?”  
  
“Um yeah.” Ryan rubs his eyes with the back of his hands. “Sure.”  
  
Austin walks in and closes the door even though they’re the only ones home. He looks at Ryan puzzled.  
  
“The shower was on.” He says dumbly.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You’re not showered.” Austin sits in front of him.  
  
“You’re drunk.” Ryan tries to laugh but he can see Austin’s not buying it.  
  
"Did I do something wrong?" Austin asks looking sad, "Was it not good?"  
  
"No babe," Ryan says but he doesn't reach out to touch him, "It's not you."  
  
"Happy New Years." Austin leans forward to kiss him, "Come back to bed."

  
 **September 28th 2011**  
  
They don’t see each other for almost two months after Worlds, every plan they make gets shot down and last minute plans fall through for more practice or appearances. Michael’s agent tells him that they’re being too public and so the solution seems to be to stay apart.  
  
Ryan flies down on a day off because their relationship is starting to feel desperate. There’s only so much you can get through txt messages, voicemails and late night Xbox live sessions.  
  
They go out for pizza wearing hoodies and baseball caps. When Michael slings an arm around his waist while they’re waiting in line Ryan moves away from him instead of leaning him close like he usually does. It’s awkward and they both hate it.  
  
“Dude.” Ryan says once they’re back in Michael’s car, “Why the fuck do we care?”  
“What do you mean?” Michael’s paying more attention to merging than to what Ryan’s saying.  
  
“Us, why do we care if people know.”  
  
“Because it’d blow up.” Michael says matter-of-fact, “It wouldn’t be good.”  
  
“For fucking who?” Ryan argues, “I don’t give a shit, my family wouldn’t give a shit… Your family wouldn’t give a shit. It wouldn’t change how good we swim. What would it change.”  
  
“You’re the one who moved away when I put my arm around you.” Michael’s still not making eye contact with him, “So you tell me who cares more.”

  
 **October 5th 2011**  
  
“Just keep pressure on the wound.” The nurse tells Ryan quickly scribbling something down on his chart, “The doctor should be with you in just a few minutes. Any allergies hun?”  
  
“No.” Ryan tells her, “Who’s the doctor if I can-“  
  
“Doctor Bracey hun.” She rolls a table out and places a suture kit on it, “Keep pressure on that hand, he’ll be right in.”  
  
*  
  
“Seriously Ryan?” Austin pulls back the curtain around Ryan’s bed, “What did you do?”  
  
“Cut.” Ryan holds out his hand, “There was a kink on the chain or some shit and it-”  
  
“Let me get gloves,” Austin rolls his eyes at him, “Is that shirt even clean?”  
  
“It’s the only thing I had in the car.”  
  
“No towel?”  
  
Ryan shakes his head, “The nurse said to keep pressure on it until the doctor came to see me.”  
  
“Well I’m here.” Austin does a half assed bow, “When’s the last time you had a tetanus shot?” Austin asks him not looking up from his chart.  
  
“I don’t know, like… When do you get them?”  
  
“We’ll get you a booster.” Austin makes a check on the clipboard, he looks up at Ryan, “Did someone clean your cut?”  
  
“No, I just got back here. How did you even know?”  
  
“You’re kind of a big deal,” Austin explains, “I took your chart before-“ Austin reaches on the counter and pulls rubber gloves out of a box; he sits on a stool and wheels himself next to Ryan’s bed.  
  
“You’re going to fix it?” Ryan asks when Austin takes his hand and carefully removes the blood soaked t-shirt.  
  
“Yeah, unless you want someone else. If you like don’t feel-“  
  
“No, I trust you… I just thought you we’re like mad“

  
 **October 3rd 2011**  
  
“Yo.” Austin grabs his diagnosis textbook out of Ryan’s hands, “Don’t read that shit.”  
  
Ever since he got back from visiting Michael, Ryan's been kicking around the house in a funk. Finding him reading a medical school textbook instead of skateboarding is the last straw.   
  
"You were suppose to meet me out front." Austin kicks him, "With your board. There's new pavement three streets over, let's go."   
  
"This book's freaking me out." Ryan finally closes it and looks up, "Like there's scary shit in here."  
  
“What do you have?” Austin asks him, “Come on tell me what you diagnosed yourself with.”  
  
“Like…" Ryan thumbs through the pages, "Bone cancer.”  
  
“Dude,” Austin laughs, “You don’t have bone cancer.”  
  
“How d’you know?” Ryan mumbles  
  
“Fine, what are your symptoms bro?”  
  
“Like pain and…”  
  
“Dude.” Austin stops him, “You’re training for the fucking Olympics, if you weren’t in pain I’d be seriously worrying. It’s not bone cancer it’s you being a dumbass and pushing past how much a normal human can train.”  
  
“That book fucks with your head.” Ryan toes it further away on the coffee table.  
  
“Yeah,” Austin admits, “You spend half of med school convincing yourself you’re dying from some random disease you’re studying.” He holds out his hand for the textbook.  
  
“Yeah I won’t read this shit again. Keep it in your room nerd.” Ryan shoves it at him.  
  
“But like,” Austin leans closer to him and it’s definitely bordering on inappropriate “If you’re still worried, I can check you out.”  
  
Austin settles his hand on Ryan’s chest and straddles his lap. Ryan’s hand curves around Austin’s side and slides to his lower back; Austin settles closer to him.  
  
“Dude.” Ryan clears his throat, “ I have a boyfriend.”  
  
“Who’s never fucking here.” Austin argues, “You said so yourself when we were skateboarding, that you don’t even know where it’s going.”  
  
“He’s still my boyfriend.” Ryan moves away from him, “Like we can’t-“  
  
“I’m here.” Austin keeps arguing, “I’m always here and he’s not. I just thought.”  
  
“You’re my friend bro, I’ve been with Mike for like three years and we’re talking about moving in and-“  
  
“And you don’t fucking want to.” Austin falls on the couch beside Ryan, “I want you. We’d be fucking hot together.”  
  
“Austin.” Ryan can’t even look at him, “Like… if I wasn’t with.”  
  
“You want me too bro, I can tell. Tell me I’m wrong.”  
  
“I have a boyfriend.” Ryan says.  
  
“Whatever but for a second there,” Austin squeezes his knee, “You weren’t going to say no.”

  
 **October 5th 2011**  
  
“I’m not.” Austin pulls the tray closer to him and presses clean gauze to Ryan’s hand.  
  
“You didn’t introduce yourself.” Ryan pulls his hand back  
  
“What?” Austin reaches for the pale green drape and unfolds it. “I need your hand bro.”  
  
“When you walk into my room,” Ryan keeps his hand away from Austin “You’re supposed to introduce yourself. So I trust you.”  
  
“Hi.” Austin says pointedly, “I’m Doctor Bracey… I’m here to fix your dumb life choices, now can I have your hand or we’re going to be here…”  
  
“I totally trust you now, jeah.” Ryan offers up his hand, “Stitch me up.”  
  
Austin places the green drape over Ryan’s hand.  
  
“What’s that for?” Ryan asks while Austin preps a needle.  
  
“The drape? To make it sterile, don’t move. I’m going to freeze you now.”  
  
“I can take it.”  
  
“Dude.” Austin rolls his eyes, “The like last thing I need is you passing out or puking on me. There’s bits of rust or paint in the wound and the cut is all jagged, let me freeze you.”  
  
“Is it going to sting?” Ryan asks again.  
  
“For like three seconds and then you shouldn’t-“  
  
“Then I don’t want it.”  
  
“Dude.” Austin groans, “Cleaning it and stitching you up without freezing it is going to hurt ten times worst than the three needle pricks to numb it.”  
  
“I dunno.”  
  
“Do I have to call your mom to hold you down?” Austin threatens, “Because I will.”  
  
“I don’t like needles.”  
  
“You have two tattoos. Seriously dude, I need to clean your cut, I need to stitch it up and you need a tetanus shot. So like take a deep breath and go to your happy place for thirty seconds.” Austin looks at him, “Are we cool? Can I do my job now?”  
  
“Sure. Fuck.” Ryan grits his teeth, “I hate needles.”  
  
“Baby.” Austin mutters under his breath, “Ok just three pricks, breathe in and hold it… hold it, just one more. We’re good. Breathe out.”  
  
“Thanks.” Ryan says after he breathes out.  
  
“Do you really hate needles?” Austin throws the syringe away, “Or are you just giving me a hard time?”  
  
“No dude, I fucking hate needles.” Ryan admits, he wiggles the fingers of his cut up hand watching the skin flaps open and close.  
  
“You shouldn’t feel anything else, tell me if it hurts.” Austin starts cleaning the cut and the room falls silent.  
  
“Why weren’t you wearing gloves?” Austin asks quietly, “Why were you pulling chains without gloves?”  
  
“I dunno,” Ryan shrugs, “I thought I was done and-“  
  
“You can get tetanus from rust and metal and stuff, like that’s serious. You probably lost a ton of blood too.” Austin shakes his head. “It’s serious.”  
  
“You’re stitching me up, I’ll be fine.” Ryan says trying to make light of it.  
  
“Do you like not care about yourself?”  
  
“What?” Ryan reaches out to grab Austin’s shoulder.  
  
“Like as your friend… It’s just like you’ve been really… Like your boyfriend hurt your feelings and then you just do all this dumb shit.”  
  
“I just don’t think.” Ryan explains, “Ask my dad, I just do stuff without thinking.”  
  
“No,” Austin corrects him, “I think you just don’t care because he makes you feel like you don’t matter.”  
  
The words hang between them because Ryan doesn’t have an answer and Austin is finishing stitching him up. He cuts off the thread and reaches for more gauze wrapping it around Ryan’s hand.  
  
He leaves the room and a nurse comes to give him a tetanus shot. Austin comes back with an aftercare sheet.  
  
“Ok, skip practice, go home and just chill. You lost a lot of blood and your blood pressure isn’t like where I’d like it to be. I don’t want you over exerting yourself.” Austin takes a prescription pad out of his lab coat pocket and scribbles on it, “Doctor’s order. Go home. Eat. Sleep. Your arm’s going to be sore but just move it around.”  
  
“I can’t miss practice.” Ryan argues.  
  
“Go home. I’m not kidding. You can’t get the stitches wet anyways.”  
  
“No I’m serious, I can’t miss practice.”  
  
“And I’m serious.” Austin frowns at him, “Like I’m not suggesting this as your friend, I’m telling you as the doctor that just stitched up the gash on your hand. Don’t make me call the pool dude.”  
  
“Fuck.” Ryan hangs his head, “How long do these have to stay dry?”  
  
“A week. I’m sorry.” Austin tells him.  
  
“Not your fault dude, I’m the moron.” Ryan says, “Do you need a ride back after you’re off?”  
  
“No, I have my car, don’t worry about it.”  
  
“I’ll see you tonight.”  
  
“I’ll probably be late.” Austin grabs Ryan’s sweatshirt from the floor and hands it to him, “I’m behind.”  
  
“I’ll be up. We can go grab food?” Ryan offers. He hasn’t been able to get the thought of Austin straddling him out of his head.  
  
“That sounds good, I haven’t had time to eat.”  
  
“Do I need to sign anything or can I just?”  
  
“Um…” Austin holds the curtain open for him, “Check at reception. And like Ry…”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Don’t call him.”

  
 **February 2012**  
  
His phone starts ringing just as he’s grabbing his goggles and cap for afternoon practice. He considers just slamming the door of his locker shut and letting it go to voicemail but he picks up anyways.  
  
“Hey is this Ryan?”  
  
“Maybe, who’s this?” He wishes he’d let it go to voicemail, “Look I’m busy and-“  
  
“It’s Andrew, Austin’s brother.”  
  
“Hey.” He’s heard about Austin’s family but he’s never talked to any of them, “Everything okay?”  
  
“No.” Andrew says bluntly, “Austin had a rough day at work, a kid he was working on died. It was a car wreck, I don’t know if you know but-“  
  
“I know.” Ryan shoves his goggles back into his locker and grabs his clothes and his car keys, “Is he still at-“ He talks while pulling shorts over his speedo.  
  
“No, someone drove him home, the hospital called me but I can’t be there until late tonight and I just wanted someone to know what was up. I called your house and your brother gave me your number.”  
  
“I can head over home.” Ryan says, “I got it.”  
  
“Fuck thanks.” Andrew sounds relieved, “His last boyfriend wouldn’t have- thanks dude. Have him call me.”  
  
*  
  
Austin’s car isn’t in the driveway when Ryan pulls up but there’s a pair of black crocs by the front door.  
  
“Aust?” Ryan calls out when he walks in, “Dude where are you?”  
  
He finds him in the kitchen, still in scrubs leaning on the counter holding an unopened beer bottle staring at the wall.  
  
“Hey.” Ryan approaches him carefully, “Your brother called me, he said. I know dude.” He stops a few feet away from him and waits. Austin doesn’t seem to notice him.  
  
“MOTHERFUCK.” Austin throws his beer bottle across the kitchen, it hits the swimsuit model calendar that’s been turned to March 2009 since March 2009 and explodes.  
  
Ryan stays by the table and watches Austin punch the wall, leaving a dent in the drywall. Austin punches the wall three more times before Ryan walks up to him, grabs his arm and stops him.  
  
“Fuck.” Austin shakes in anger, “That kid didn’t have to- Fuck.”  
  
“It’s okay dude.” Ryan slips his hand on the back of Austin’s neck and pulls him in against his chest. When Austin doesn’t resist, he wraps his other arm across his shoulders, holding him close.  
  
Austin’s shoulders heave, “I saw his fucking parents…. Their faces, fuck dude.”  
  
“You did everything you could bro.” Ryan repeats and without thinking, his lips press against Austin’s hair.  
  
“Maybe I fucked up? Like someone else who knew more- I was so fucking tired when it happened.”  
  
“Dude no.” Ryan rubs Austin’s back, he doesn’t know what to say, “You’re a good doctor.“ He drops his hand from Austin’s neck.  
  
“No.” Austin says, “Don’t let go.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Don’t let go-“ Austin insists. He takes Ryan’s hand and puts it back on his neck; he drops his own arms around Ryan’s waist.  
  
“Ok.” Ryan leans his head on Austin’s “Don’t worry.”  
  
He hugs him until Austin’s breathing slows down and his shoulders stop heaving. He absentmindedly runs a hand through his hair.  
  
“I love you.” Austin mutters. A second after he says it, his arms drop from Ryan and he moves back to lean against the kitchen counter. His eyes are red and some of his hair sticks to the tears on his face, “I shouldn’t have- fuck… just like.”  
  
“No.” Ryan tucks Austin’s hair behind his ear, “Don’t take it back.” The hand that had been rubbing slow circle on Austin’s back settles on his side, “Like, me too dude.”  
  
Austin’s head falls forward until his forehead rests on Ryan’s shoulder.  
  
“Do you have to go back to work?” Ryan asks.  
  
Austin shakes his head.  
  
“Go to bed okay?” Ryan says.  
  
It’s past diner time when Ryan hears Austin come back downstairs. He’s changed out of his scrubs and his hair is wet from the shower. He passes through the kitchen and goes to lie down on the living room couch. Ryan follows him.  
  
“I’m sorry you had to leave practice.” Austin rubs a hand over his face, “ The hospital called Andrew and he-“  
  
“It’s ok.” Ryan lifts up Austin’s legs, sits on the couch and puts them back down on his lap. He strokes one of Austin’s ankles with his thumb. “If like my brothers called me up freaking out and I couldn’t get to them I’d do the same thing.”  
  
“It was so bad,” Austin props the foot Ryan’s not holding against his thigh, “This kid came in from a car accident… I guess a bunch of them were partying it up after a football game or whatever and they… I don’t know but I was on the code team and I did fucking everything I could.”  
  
“And like,” He takes a deep breath, “I fucking knew it wasn’t Tyler you know, like I got it but it felt like –“ He doesn’t finish. He shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.  
  
“It was your first kid in a car crash?”  
  
Austin nods, tears squeeze out of his eyes.  
  
“Who drove you home?”  
  
“I don’t know. I like had blood all over me… So I changed and I just kept thinking that his parents were on their way not knowing their kid was just dead but like then it kinda blurs. Andrew called me and I was waiting for my debrief and I just don’t really remember until you came home.”  
  
“He wants you to call him.” Ryan remembers, “Like you should, if it was Dev in your spot, I’d be going crazy.”  
  
“I will before he fucking drives down here, my head’s just fucking killing me man.“  
  
“It’s already like seven dude, you slept forever.”  
  
“Fuck, I feel so out of it.” Austin pulls his legs off Ryan’s lap and sits up, “Do you still have his phone number, I don’t know where the fuck I left my phone.”  
  
“Hey,” Austin says, “It’s me, don’t come over.”  
  
“Since when am I your emergency contact kid?” Andrew replies, “I live four hours away. What good am I to you if something bad had happened? Lucky your boyfriend-”  
  
“If you’re going to talk to me like you’re dad I’m hanging up.”  
  
“If you have me as your emergency contact, I get to talk to you like I’m dad or I can call dad and he can give you this talk. Your choice.”  
  
“Fuck.” Austin moves closer to Ryan on the couch, balancing the phone on his knees. He drops his head on Ryan’s shoulder. “Go fuck.”  
  
“That kid wasn’t Tyler.” Andrew starts, “So you can-“  
  
“Fuck you.” Austin interrupts. He presses the end call button and pushes the phone back to Ryan. “Fuck him.”  
  
“Aust, come on.” Ryan holds up the phone that’s already ringing, “Talk.” He answers and holds the phone closer to Austin.  
  
“Enough of your dramatics.” Andrew sounds pissed off, “I’m trying to fucking help you so listen the fuck up or I swear you can deal with dad and mom. Both of them. They can be at your house making your life and your boyfriend’s life hell in-“  
  
“He’s my roommate. Not my boyfriend.” Austin snaps, “He has a boyfriend stop spreading that shit around.”  
  
“I don’t fucking care dude. The fucking doctor who called me said you went into shock and that probably explains your sunny fucking attitude. They don’t want to see you for rounds until the weekend but you have to go in for your debrief before. They gave me the numbers of all the grievance counselors you can call up but we both know you won’t so I’m not going to bother sending them to you.” Andrew takes a breath, “Shock usually wears off-“  
  
“I’m a fucking doctor dude, I know.” Austin rolls his eyes, “Bye”  
  
“Call dad Aust.” Andrew says before Austin hangs up, “He’s like been through this, he can help you out more than-“  
  
“No thanks. Bye.”  
  
“I never like.” Austin plays with the zipper of Ryan’s hoodie, “Told him you were my boyfriend, he just like… assumed. Like when I said that stuff before I was just-“  
  
“Don’t take it back.” Ryan puts his arm around Austin’s shoulders, holding him closer to his side, “I don’t want you to take it back.”  
  
“You-“ Austin cranes his neck to look up at Ryan’s face.  
  
“I know but don’t take it back.”  
  
“That’s fucked.” Austin states, “Like what the fuck are we doing?”  
  
“I don’t know dude, I just-“  
  
“Is it fucking pity?” Austin snaps, “Because I don’t fucking need you to take care of me, I can take care of myself. I got through my brother dying and fucking med school on my own-“  
  
Ryan says, “Like it’s-“  
  
“It’s selfish as fuck is what it is. You’re stringing two people along. And like fine whatever I know you have a boyfriend but like does he know you’re telling me you love me?”  
  
Ryan shakes his head.  
  
“So, you’ve been dating him for three years and he’s walking around thinking you’re moving in together and you’re here with me. Don’t you get how fucked that is? I want to be with you so fucking bad and you’re just still hanging on to some relationship you clearly don’t give a fuck about.”  
  
“It’s fucking complicated dude.”  
  
“Do you want to be with him?”  
  
Ryan shrugs.  
  
“Shit, do you know how fucking hard it is to have this half assed relationship with you. I want to like…” Austin groans, “I want to like push you up against walls and have you fuck me and I want to be able to - D’you know how fucking proud I’d be of you? I wouldn’t make you feel second best, like ever.”  
  
“I want that too.” Ryan toys with his phone, “I just don’t know how to figure it out-“


	5. Cause all this bullshit, it made me strong motherfucker

  
**February 2010**  
  
They always wait for each other outside airports. Two years before or after an Olympic Michael still draws too much attention and Ryan’s starting to get it too. This time though, when Ryan looks down at the crowd from the escalator he sees Michael slouching next to one of the carousels with a baseball cap low over his eyes.  
  
Ryan tries to side step the person standing in front of him and bangs his injured shoulder against the handrail. He swears and drops his backpack at the same time that Michael looks up.  
  
Michael fights through the crowd gathered around the bottom of the escalator. Ryan’s still a few feet away when Michael tips his baseball cap up and grins at him.  
  
“Sup gimp?” Michael reaches for his backpack and then rubs a hand over Ryan’s injured shoulder in one of his hands, “There’s no way that felt good.”  
  
“Shut up.” Ryan says but he smiles back.  
  
“I’m sorry baby.” Michael whispers to him, he wraps his arm around Ryan’s left side and hugs him, “It’s good you’re here.”  
  
“Why d’you come in?” Ryan looks around for people with cameras; it’s become second nature.  
  
“You’re one arm out.” Michael points out, he reaches for Ryan’s other bag, “Figured you needed the help.”  
  
“Thanks.” Ryan rubs the back of his neck where the brace rests.  
  
“Does it hurt?” Michael asks, he drops Ryan’s bag to his side and reaches to rub his neck for him, “I wanted to like come when you got hurt…but.”  
  
“I wasn’t like dying, I was just- I was pissed when you called but my shoulder hurt. I just fucking miss you.“  
  
“Devon yelled at me… While you were getting x-rays he had your phone. He said I was being a bad husband.”  
  
“Punk.” Ryan groans. He leans his head forward and stops looking around to make sure nobody is starring. Somehow he never fully realizes how much he misses Michael until they’re back together.  
  
“Wanna go home?” Michael suggests  
  
“Yeah.” Ryan yawns  
  
“Wanna go back to bed?” Michael laughs and hugs him again.  
  
“Fuck yeah.”  
  
Michael leans down and kisses him quickly, without looking around, without moving behind a sign and without caring that they’re in an airport full of people.  
  
Ryan kisses him back.  
  
“Lets go then.” Michael throws his arm around Ryan’s shoulders and guides him towards the door, “I promised Devon I’d take care of you.”  
  
  
 **August 2012 – London**  
  
Ryan Lochte had fucking ruined his day.  
  
The elevator doors closing shut hadn’t really made a noise but to Michael they’d been loud as fuck. It had taken him five months to get Ryan to talk to him and Ryan had had nothing to say.  
  
He’d really wanted to pack his shit, go home and start a life that didn’t include swimming or Ryan. But this party was his last commitment and his mom was going with him. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her that he didn’t want to go because of Ryan.  
He drinks doubles and keeps to himself. He waits to hear Ryan’s laugh or to spot him out on the dance floor. He notices that even though he’s not really talking to anyone, everyone seems to be standing close to him.  
  
He’s so caught up in his own head he doesn’t notice Devon sneak in beside him at the bar.  
  
“Hey.” Devon tries.  
  
“Hey dude.” Michael answers, “You’re the first person who talks to me.”  
  
“What are you drinking?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Michael nudges his drink towards Devon, “I told the bartender to give me whatever.”  
  
Devon takes a sip and grimaces, “Dude that tastes like shit.”  
  
“He said it was his recipe for drunk and drunk’s what I’m aiming for.” Michael takes the drink back and forces himself to drink more.  
  
“Because of Ry?”  
  
Michael shrugs and downs the rest of the drink. He shakes the ice around the empty glass until the bartender notices and hands him another one.  
  
He’s not mad at Devon but he can’t bring himself to make small talk. He’s sure though that Devon, like Ryan, is mostly immune to awkward and so the kid sticks around.  
  
“You like weren’t a bad husband dude.” Devon’s voice is low, “You don’t deserve this.”  
  
“We weren’t married.”  
  
“Dude, like pretty much.”  
  
Thanks.” Michael tips his glass towards Devon in some kind of cheer and then asks the only questions he’s thought of in the past hour “Is he here?”  
  
“Um yeah.” Devon grabs Michael’s glass away from him and drinks half of it in one gulp, “Motherfuck that’s awful.”  
  
“Want your own?”  
  
“No… Fuck.” Devon puts a hand on Michael’s arm, “Look… Ry brought his boyfriend.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m sorry dude… I just thought you should know… Before you run into them.”  
  
“Fuck.” Michael puts a hand over his chest, “He’s with someone?”  
  
“Yo like I’ll go back to the hotel with you if you want,” Devon offers, “No one’s really impressed with Ryan for it. It’s a dick move but like his-“  
  
“What’s the guy’s name Dev?” Michael asks because he figures anger has to hurt less than what he’s feeling right now.  
  
“Let’s just go back dude.” Devon offers again, “I’ll pretend I’m sick and-“  
  
“What’s his boyfriend’s name Dev? Tell me.”  
  
“Austin.” Devon admits.  
  
  
 **December 31st, 2011**  
  
“So my dad.” Austin brandishes a champagne bottle, “Stopped me when-“  
  
“Did you drive yourself back?”  
  
“No,” Austin frowns, “I wasn’t trusted to operate a vehicle”  
  
“I borrowed your-“  
  
“Can I finish my story?” Austin interrupts. When Ryan doesn’t talk he continues, “My dad gave me this.” He presents the bottle again, “And told me to go have fun.”  
  
“That’s nice-“  
  
“With my boyfriend.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“So I stole this.” He takes his other hand from behind his back and reveals a bottle of whiskey, “I need to get fucked up. My dad won’t miss this.”  
  
“Nah dude.” Ryan holds a garment bag out to him, “You need to get dressed.”  
  
“Dude, you need to chill.” Austin drops the bottle of champagne on Ryan’s dresser and takes the cap off the bottle of whiskey. “We got time.”  
  
Without the help of the doorway, Austin trips on his own feet and falls against the wall. He manages to not spill any of the whiskey. Laughing, he slinks down to the floor takes another drink.  
  
“You look fucking hot.” He tells Ryan, “Take your clothes off.”  
  
“How are you this drunk at like six?” Ryan groans, “We have another party to go to.”  
  
“My family sucks.” Austin offers as an explanation. He takes another shot straight from the bottle and Ryan takes it away from him. “Don’t be mad.”  
  
“I’m not mad babe.” Ryan kneels down and kisses him. He can taste the alcohol on Austin’s lips. He tries to pull away but Austin kisses back fervently and so he lingers there.  
  
“Take your clothes off.” Austin pulls away to whispers, he grasps Ryan’s tie and pulls him in closer, “Fuck me.”  
  
Ryan swallows thickly and tries to laugh off the comment, “I need you to last until New Year’s. Let’s sober you up.”  
  
Austin lets go of Ryan’s tie. “Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me.”  
  
“You’re drunk.”  
  
“Not enough.”  
  
They’ve slept in the same bed since Thanksgiving. Ryan has no excuse for it, no actual reason to explain why it’s happening but he doesn’t want it to stop.  
  
He feels stuck and sometimes being with Austin helps. Austin needs more though and Ryan stops short of it every time.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan offers because he knows that Austin’s probably not just drunk because of his family. The constant rejection can’t feel good either, “Come eat, then we can get ready to leave.”  
  
*  
  
“How is this going to help?” Austin picks up the foil pop tart package and stares at it.  
  
“Did you not party in College?”  
  
“It was med school.”  
  
“Well I did, so trust me.”  
  
“Why Pop Tarts?”  
  
“The sugar, a frat guy I knew said that fruit bats can like-“  
  
“I’m not a fruit bat.”  
  
“It can’t hurt.” Ryan slides a bottle of Gatorade down the counter, “Rehydrate.”  
  
Austin isn’t looking at him; his eyes are fixated on the patio door and the pool a few dozen feet beyond it.  
  
“I want to go swimming.” Austin declares.  
  
He moves quicker than Ryan and grabs the bottle of whiskey from the counter, leaving the Gatorade and the pop tarts behind.  
  
“You’re drunk and you can’t swim.” Ryan tries to block Austin from heading out the backdoor, “Not a good idea, like even I know that and I fucking invented bad ideas.”  
  
“I don’t care!” Austin yells, he almost trips on a skateboard someone’s left outside, “I wanna float.”  
  
“Fuck.” Ryan flicks a light switch on and the Christmas lights strung all over the backyard light up. “You’re in a suit.”  
  
“Are you telling me to get naked?” Austin grins like a mad man.  
  
Austin shrugs out of his suit jacket and tugs at his tie. He puts the bottle down and pulls at his dress shirt. Ryan can hear a few buttons popping off. He decides not to stop him, he leans against the patio door and watches Austin fumble with his belt and kick off his pants.  
  
“It’s New Years,” Austin yells at Ryan, “Where’s your boyfriend?”  
  
“Not here.” Ryan shrugs  
  
“I’m here.” Austin opens up the whiskey bottle and takes a drink, he grimaces when he swallows, “Come swim.”  
  
“We got a party man.” Ryan tries to argue but he’s already out of the door and pulling his own shirt off, he drops it next to Austin’s suit jacket.  
  
“Who gives a shit about other people? I just want to be with you.” Austin waits for him naked at the edge of the pool. One of his foot dips back into the water.  
  
Ryan toes off his shoes and pulls off his tie. He drops his cufflinks in his pockets and tries to not think that they were a gift from Michael.  
  
“You can’t swim in pants.” Austin hooks his fingers in one of Ryan’s belt loops when he gets close enough. He tugs down insistently, “It’s like a rule.”  
  
“You don’t know how to swim.” Ryan tries to remind him.  
  
Austin ignores him and drops backwards into the water.  
  
“Motherfuck.” Ryan groans, he drops his pants and walks closer to the edge.  
  
“I got in.” Austin calls out when he surfaces, he easily treads water and smiles wide as he pushes hair out of his face, “You gotta get in too.”  
  
“Liar!” Ryan kicks water at him, “You can fucking swim.”  
  
“No shit, who grows up in Florida and doesn’t learn to swim.”  
  
“Fucker.” Ryan splashes more water in his direction, “I thought you were going to drown.”  
  
Austin swims back over to his side of the pool and retrieves the bottle; he takes a drink.  
  
“Fuck the party.” He wraps his free hand around Ryan’s ankle, “Come in, it feels great.”

  
 **February 22nd**  
  
“I don’t want to have kids.” Ryan says. He looks at his reflection in the mirror of his bathroom, sighs and tries again, “Like not right now, I don’t know if this is what I want.”  
  
He avoids looking at himself because none of the things he’s practicing sound right, all of them sound like he’s giving up and he has to stop himself from punching his reflection; he really hates the guy staring back.  
  
“It’s not that like… I don’t want them… Just not like right the fuck now… I still have things I want to.” He trails off and doesn’t even bother looking at himself because he’s so fucking ashamed. “You’re retired but I want to do Rio and how are kids going to fit?”  
  
He looks at his phone and tries to work up the courage to call Mike and tell him. To get him at home before their schedule conference call with the whole fucking baby-making team from John Hopkins starts.  
  
He feels like he’s planning someone else’s life.  
  
When the genetics specialist tells them that since Michael’s heart condition is hereditary they might consider only using Ryan as the biological parent Ryan feels like he can’t breathe. He hangs up and txts Mike that the line dropped.  
  
It’s when he knows that he needs out.  
  
  
 **January 15th 2012**  
  
After his morning practice, Ryan drives Michael to the airport. They’ve been avoiding serious conversations all weekend but now that he’s heading back home Michael seems determined to talk shit out.  
  
“Something’s wrong with us.” Michael says once they pull out of Ryan’s laneway. It’s the first thing he’s said since the night before.  
  
Ryan tries to keep his eyes on the road but everything about Michael’s voice has changed. He sounds broken and Ryan figures he knows why.  
  
“I know.” Ryan admits.  
  
“Are you and him-“ Michael doesn’t even finish the sentence. “I need to know babe, we can fix it.”  
  
“No.” Ryan lies again and he can feel the guilt spread through him numbing everything. He can’t even look at Michael so he focuses hard on merging into the next lane even if it doesn’t turn off where he wants to go.  
  
“I want to believe you.” Michael says but his voice is still just as sad, “But like we can’t stay like this. I want more. After London, I want to do what we’ve been talking about forever. There’s no point living apart if I’m not training. I want to be with you.”  
  
“Like get married?” Ryan involuntarily tightens his grip on the steering wheel.  
  
“We can’t, it’s not legal but we can move in together. I want to go look at places.”  
  
“I can’t.” Ryan argues, “I can’t miss-“  
  
“This is important.” Michael insists.  
  
“So is what I have to do.”  
  
“If we don’t do this now, we won’t have somewhere to move to after-“  
  
“I can’t miss practice.”  
  
“Please.” Michael asks, “I never ask you to drop shit-“  
  
“I never ask you either. Like I can’t.”  
  
“You don’t want to.” Michael points out, “That’s fucking different.”  
  
“We both have houses.” Ryan says and it’s odd to be the logical one in a conversation with Mike, “Can’t we just-“  
  
“No.” Michael shakes his head, “It has to be ours.”  
  
“When do you want to do this?” He tries to focus on their conversation but he desperately needs to merge out of the exit lane before he’s forced off the road to the airport.  
  
“First weekend of February.” Michael puts one hand over Ryan’s on the steering wheel, “Please dude, we need this.”  
  
“I’ll see but-“  
  
“It’s important.” Michael insists, “Like more than-“  
  
“I know.” Ryan says because he does know.  
  
He knows that what they have is worth saving but he’s always aware that he’s been throwing it away piece by piece since the summer.  
  
Ryan’s forced to exit off and he hits the steering wheel in frustration. Michael drops his hand back to his own lap and they stop talking. Ryan bumps the volume up on the sound system and Lil Wayne raps louder to drown the silence. Neither of them rap along though. Michael can see that Ryan’s usually easy smile is gone, his lips are a tight line.  
  
“I’m not fucking stupid.” Michael says once Ryan’s figured his way back, “His shit was in your room, the way you talk to him and that call on New Year’s bro? It’s not hard to… “ He trails off, “You can say no but like there were rubbers next to the lube and like we don’t-“  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan feels like he’s been punched. “It’ s not-“  
  
It takes five more minutes to get to the airport and they don’t talk. Ryan’s fully aware of how close they are to everything going off balance and getting dropped.  
  
Five minutes isn’t enough time to get everything he’s been thinking about out and he stays quiet. He tries to add up all the places Michael used to fill that are now occupied by Austin and he misses the drop off area. He has to circle around again and his hands shake on the steering wheel, he’s never wanted Michael to leave him alone this bad ever before.  
  
He stops the truck and unbuckles his seat belt, he leans against the back while Michael takes his bag out the trunk and slings it over his shoulder.  
  
“This isn’t working out for us.” Ryan finally admits, he kicks a rock and stares at it dash away instead of looking at Michael’s face.  
  
“It’s why we have to do something.” Michael leans beside Ryan on the back of the truck, “You’re like…”  
  
Even though they’re in public Michael reaches out and takes Ryan’s hand. It’s not something they usually do.  
  
“Yeah.” Ryan says under his breath.  
  
“You can’t live with him anymore.” Michael bites his lip, “Like, we’re not gonna make it if you do.”  
  
“I can’t just kick him out, he lives there… He.”  
  
“If he’s just your roommate dude, you can.” Michael persists, “I’ll look for flights out and get some places lined up to look at. I’ll call you when I-“  
  
“Get home.” Ryan finishes for him, “I know.”  
  
*  
  
Ryan doesn’t drive straight back home. He stays parked in the drop off zone until the angry honks snap him out of his own head. It’s too early to go to afternoon practice and so he drives home to Austin.  
  
He knows how he got into this mess, he knows every single move and kiss and night spent together that lead to Michael figuring it out and giving him what sounded like an ultimatum at the airport. Get Austin the fuck out of our life and we can fix it, come look at houses with me, get Austin the fuck out and commit.  
  
Ryan doesn’t know if he wants to.  
  
It makes him feel sick to his stomach and he sits in his truck for a while after he turns off the ignition. He watches ten minutes go by on his watch, watches the sprinklers turn on and off once and a lizard crawl up the side of his garage before he yanks open the door and walks out.  
  
He knows Austin’s not happy either.  
  
“Hey.” Ryan calls out, “You still home?”  
  
Austin should be at the hospital but he isn’t. He waits in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. He plays with an uncapped syringe  
  
“Usually you call me babe.” He points out coldly, “What did he tell you to tell me?”  
  
“It doesn’t matter.” Ryan opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of Gatorade, “Don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Did he figure it out?” Austin pushes, “Did he fucking win you back? Want me to take the rest of my stuff out of our room?”  
  
“Shut up dude.” Ryan holds the bottle up to his head, “You sound like the psycho girls I – What the fuck are you doing?”  
  
Ryan looks horrified as Austin starts running the hypodermic needle up and down his arm. The sight of it makes Ryan shudder.  
  
“An air embolism.” Austin says calmly. He pulls back the plunger of the syringe filling it with air,“ Is like… when air gets into your veins, it makes a bubble and when that bubble gets to your heart you die.“  
  
“Shit dude.” Ryan takes two steps across the kitchen to grab Austin’s wrist, “Give me that.”  
  
Austin doesn’t let go of the syringe and Ryan squeezes his wrist tighter. “We both know I’m stronger dude let go.”  
  
“I wasn’t going to do it.” Austin says. He opens up his palm and lets the syringe drop. He rubs his wrist when Ryan loosens his grip “I just had it in my pocket. It doesn’t hold enough air to hurt me.”  
  
“Yeah well fuck you.” Ryan bends the needle against the counter and throws the syringe in the trash. “You don’t fucking talk about shit like that.”  
  
“I could hear him fucking you.” Austin says quietly. He pushes down both of his sleeves and looks straight at Ryan.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan hangs his head, “You know that but what the fuck is your problem dude? Who does it?“  
  
“Do you fuck him?” Austin spits out, angry as hell, “Or does he-“  
  
“No.” Ryan shakes his head, “We’re not talking about this.”  
  
“I think I should know because like, you don’t sound like that when we have sex and I’m-”  
  
“Austin don’t.”  
  
“Austin don’t.” Austin mimics, “Fuck you.”  
  
“It was a fucking surprise visit okay? I didn’t know he was coming”  
  
“I said fuck you.”  
  
“What do you want from me dude?” Ryan sighs exasperated.  
“I want you asshole.” Austin walks over and crowds his space, “I want you to figure out what the fuck you want. I want you to be with me. I want you to fucking break up with him.”  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“You won’t and that’s fucked up.” Austin opens up the cupboard door and retrieves the syringe, from the top of the trashcan. “You can’t throw that out here, I’ll put it in a sharps container when I get to the work.”  
  
“I’m heading out in-“  
  
“No.” Austin shakes his head, “I’ll drive myself. I don’t really want to be around you.”  
  
  
 **February 29th 2012**  
  
Between Ryan’s training and Austin working even more hours to cover the ER being short a doctor they don’t see each other for days.  
  
They talk through txts and notes they scribble on the white board that hangs next the fridge.  
  
Ryan stays awake in his bed until Austin gets home but Austin starts sleeping in his own room again. It hurts way more than it should. The next morning Ryan finds a stack of IVF brochures in his backpack and he understands.  
  
Instead of going to bed that night, he waits for Austin in the kitchen. He falls asleep with his head on the table despite his best effort and wakes up to someone running their fingers through his hair.  
  
“Babe.” Austin looks amused, “You don’t have to wait up for me, it’s like 3 in the morning.”  
  
Austin’s still wearing light blue scrub pants. He sits down on the table in front of Ryan and props his feet on Ryan’s chair.  
  
“I missed you. I didn’t want you going back to the other room.” Ryan rests both of his hands on Austin’s knees and he slowly slides them up, “I want you dude fuck.”  
  
“Bad idea.” Austin tries to say but it doesn’t come out sounding very convincing. He doesn’t push Ryan’s hands away.  
  
“Do you want me to stop?” Ryan palms Austin through his scrubs, feeling him get hard.  
  
“No but like…” Austin looses his thoughts when Ryan wraps his hand around him, “Dude you have a- this isn’t. Fuck.”  
  
Ryan rubs his thumb over the head of Austin’s dick, “You’re so hot in scrubs, fuck. I just want to like... make you cum in them.“  
  
He keeps brushing his thumb over Austin’s head until the scrub pants are stained with precum. He darts out his tongue to lick the spot and Austin thrusts up against him.  
  
“Ry,” Austin groans when Ryan starts sucking him through the fabric, “Stop.”  
  
Austin reaches down and grabs the back of Ryan’s head. He desperately wants to push Ryan closer but pulls him away instead.  
  
“Why?” Ryan looks up at him and licks his lips.  
  
“Because you said-”  
  
“I want-“ Ryan  
  
“You can’t have-“ Austin starts and then stops, “You can’t go house hunting with him and come back here to me.”  
  
“All the houses were stupid.” Ryan complains, he keeps stroking Austin with one hand and undoes the drawstring of his pants with the other, “I don’t want to move.”  
  
“Did you tell him that?” Austin doesn’t have the will power to push Ryan’s hands away.  
  
“No.” Ryan pulls at the waistband of Austin’s pants and pulls them down, sucking on a spot near his hipbone.  
  
“You should.” Austin lifts his hips up letting Ryan pull his pants all the way down, he kicks them off, “Because like… If you really wanted to be with him” He moans when Ryan laps his tongue around him, “Fuck…like you wouldn’t be here.”  
  
“That’s not fair.” Ryan replaces his mouth with his hand and he holds down Austin’s hips as he moves his fist in slow, long strokes. He’s stronger and it’s easy to keep Austin pinned against the table.  
  
“No,” Austin grabs his wrist, “I don’t want to like… If he’s talking about you two having kids. I’m not getting in the middle of that.”  
  
“It’s on me dude.” Ryan says, “Like it’s not up to you to.”  
  
“Do you get how fucked up this is?” Austin fights against Ryan’s arm across his hips, “That you’re talking this out with me? While you’re fucking staring at my dick?”  
  
“I got not one else.”  
  
“I love you,” Austin says, “But I think it over and right now there isn’t a way that this ends and I don’t get my heart fucking busted. I really…. Fuck, I can’t stay.”  
  
“Don’t leave.” Ryan says, “Like… please.”  
  
“What’s the point? He’s going to make you sell this and then I have to move anyways. I’m just jumping ship. You’re not even making your own decisions anymore. You just go along with whatever the fuck he says.  
  
“Stay dude.”  
  
“Why?” Austin fights harder against Ryan’s hands, “Let go.”  
  
Ryan shakes his head, “I don’t want you to leave.”  
  
“I don’t want you sucking my dick if you’re not going to break up with him.” He pulls the drawstrings back from Ryan’s hand.  
  
“You don’t mean that.”  
  
“I fucking said no.” Austin yells and it shocks Ryan into letting go, “Fuck you.” Austin moves away from him.  
  
“Dude, what the fuck?”  
  
“Exactly what the fuck?” Austin repeats, “Like to me it’s pretty easy… Do you want to move in with him?”  
  
“No.” Ryan says quietly.  
  
“Do you want to have kids with him?”  
  
Ryan shrugs.  
  
“Then you break up with him Ry.” Austin tells him. He pushes himself off the table “You can’t have both of us.”  
  
  
 **August 2012 – London**  
  
Ryan and Austin are easy to spot because they’re the only two people standing alone. Ryan’s usually the life of the party so seeing him standing at the edge of the room with no one crowding around him is odd.  
  
It also makes it easy to keep an eye on them.  
  
Ryan’s right arm is protectively slunk around Austin’s shoulder. He drinks from his right hand bringing Austin closer to him every time. They don’t seem to care that no one’s talking to them and seem pretty oblivious to the fact that everyone thinks they shouldn’t be there.  
  
He could have dealt with Ryan having a boyfriend but he can’t deal with it being Austin. There’s no fucking way he thinks that this happened after they broke up. Knowing the truth makes everything crystal clear. Ryan broke up with him to be with Austin.  
  
Michael wonders how long Ryan’s been cheating.  
  
He looks at them again and Ryan’s backed Austin up against a wall. He laughs at something and Austin says something back.  
  
Ryan purses his lips, shakes his head no and pulls Austin a little closer. His thumb rubs slow circles against Austin’s hip.  
  
Austin rolls his eyes, then grins and reaches up to fix Ryan’s tie.  
  
It’s so fucking intimate that Michael know there’s no way this is a new relationship. None of what he’s feeling will fit back into the space where he’s been keeping it locked away for months. He watches Austin kiss Ryan and that’s it. He’d dated Ryan for three years and they’d only ever kissed in front of other people a handful of times. Even when they knew they were just around friends they’d kept the touching at a minimum.  
  
Ryan had freaked every time they’d touched and with Austin he just didn’t seem to care anymore.  
  
All the hurt turns to rage and he doesn’t bother finishing his drink before he walks over to them.  
  
Austin sees him before Ryan does and he glares at him kind of bored and nudges Ryan’s shoulder.  
  
Ryan seems more alarmed, “Mike.” He says holding both his hands up, “Dude let’s just.”  
  
“How fucking dare you.” Michael grabs Ryan’s arm and pulls him away from Austin. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”  
  
“Let me go bro.”  
  
“You don’t fucking get out of it this time.”  
  
“Dude not here.”  
  
“Then where Ryan?” Michael roughly lets go of his arm, “The next time you show up drunk in my hotel room?”  
  
“Yo shut the fuck up.” Ryan looks sideways to see if Austin’s still there, “Somewhere else. The fucking bathroom I don’t care.”  
  
“So not in front of him?”.  
  
“No. Not in front of everyone we fucking know.”  
  
People have started to notice the fight and Nathan is hovering too close ready to step in.  
  
“Fine.” Michael goes to grab Ryan’s arm again.  
  
“Don’t fucking touch me bro.” Ryan hisses.  
  
“Fuck you asshole.” Michael mutters under his breath, “Let’s fucking go.”  
  
“Well when you ask me like that.” Ryan rolls his eyes and turns back to Austin, “Just find Dev babe.” Ryan kisses Austin and hands him his drink, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Thanks.” Michael spits out when Ryan turns back to him.  
  
*  
  
The entire club has been closed off for them but they’re only using part of it. Michael leads Ryan into what must usually be the VIP room.  
  
There are red leather benches and low white tables but Ryan stands two feet away from Michael and looks at him expectantly.  
  
“Austin Ry?” Michael starts, “You broke us up to be with him?”  
  
Michael hates how sad his voice sounds. If he could control it there would be nothing but anger, he wishes he could just hate Ryan. Forget the heartbreak and go straight to fucking hate.  
  
“You broke up with me for him? All that shit about people knowing and-  
  
“He needed me.“ Ryan answers like it explains everything.  
  
“What the fuck is he? A dog who followed you home? How long were you cheating?”  
  
“Yo dude, not here-“  
  
“How long were you fucking cheating Ryan?” Michael takes a step closer to him and lowers his voice, “Not sex but like how long were you and Austin fucking playing house in Gainesville. Wearing each other’s clothes and fuck- he was sleeping in your room right? That’s why his fucking medical journal and his phone were on-“  
  
“Don’t do this Mike.”  
  
“No Ry, we’re fucking doing this. How long?”  
  
“I dunno… Awhile, like… Thanksgiving.”  
  
“Fuck you.” Michael pushes Ryan away from him, “Fuck. You.”  
  
“I couldn’t-“  
  
“You fucking lied to me.” Michael pushes him again, “I asked you if you guys were together and you said no. You fucking lied to me everyday.” He pushes him again, “Why Ryan?”  
  
Ryan takes another step back, putting as much space between them as the small room will allow. He moves closer to the door like he’s ready to walk out. Once his back is pressed against the curtain he looks up at Michael but doesn’t answer.  
  
“I was fucking tired of losing.” Ryan finally says, he doesn’t look up and there’s no anger in his voice.  
  
“In the pool?” Michael grabs Ryan’s arm to keep him from walking out, “Because I beat you in the pool? Seriously I thought we were… You beat me!”  
  
“Not the pool, I don’t give a fuck about the pool. Like I lost where we were going to live, I lost when we’d come out,” The anger in Ryan’s voice picks up as he talks, “I lost when we’d have kids. Did nothing I say ever like fucking matter to you?”  
  
“You never said anything!” Michael forces himself to loosen his grip on Ryan’s arm, “This is the first time I fucking hear you didn’t want to-“  
  
“’Cause I didn’t know! Like I didn’t know how fucking shitty it felt until-“  
  
“Until you started fucking Austin?”  
  
“I didn’t know it felt shitty until I was-“  
  
“Balls deep in your roommate?”  
  
“No.” Ryan looks away, “Until we like… Became friends and I just… It was fucking just easy and I didn’t feel like hurt when I was-“  
  
“So that piss poor excuse about people knowing was just you saying ‘hey Mike, like I know we’re planning our fucking lives, moving in together and thinking of having kids but like I’d rather keep fucking my roommate jeah?” Michael mimics Ryan’s voice.  
  
“No, I just-“ Ryan stops, “I wasn’t happy.”  
  
“And you couldn’t tell me? Like the million times I asked you what the fuck was wrong you didn’t care enough to say you weren’t happy? Why?”  
  
“I just… didn’t know what… I thought it would change.”  
  
“I’m sure you were trying really hard Ryan. How was fucking him helping you out?” Michael kicks one of the benches because he needs to fucking hit something, “Fuck Ryan, how long did you wait after you called to be with him? How fucking easy was it to break up with me?”  
  
Ryan shakes his head.  
  
“So the night before while we were talking about kids.” Michael’s voice breaks, “What were you fucking doing? Lying in bed with him? Were you fucking laughing at me for still thinking we had something?”  
  
“No I wasn’t.” Ryan yells, “I fucking loved you!”  
  
“Why did you go along with it? If it wasn’t what you wanted. Why did you come look at houses and choose an egg donor and go to the doctor appointments? I was planning our fucking life, it wasn’t just for me Ry. I wanted it with you.”  
  
“I wanted it too-“ Ryan starts  
  
“You didn’t. Don’t fucking pretend.” Michael shoves Ryan away from him because he can’t stand to look at him anymore.  
  
“You never asked.” Ryan rubs his arm, “You never asked what I wanted you just told me. I lost fucking every major deal… You thought I was just gonna agree and like I wanna do Rio, I’m not done after this. How’s a kid gonna fit into it? How’s moving to fucking Baltimore going to… You weren’t planning for me bro.” Ryan shakes his head sadly, “You were just planning for you.”  
  
“I was taking care of-“  
  
“I’m not a kid Phelps, I can take care of myself, you always try to fix-“  
  
“Because I fucking loved you asshole.”  
  
“No because you think I can’t do it.” Ryan stammers, “You think I don’t… think about shit that’s serious so you have to do it for both of us. It made me fucking angry dude.”  
  
“So you just quit.”  
  
“You quit too.”  
  
“I called you fucking everyday after you broke up with me!” Michael clenches his jaw to keep his voice steady, “You never answered and you kept your voicemail fucking full. So that’s on you asshole, I tried. You didn’t want me.”  
  
“I felt fucking invisible!” Ryan yells, “Like you made all the decisions and I was just there.”  
  
“None of it fucking mattered to me Ryan!” Michael yells back, “If you’d said ‘hey let’s move to Alaska.’ I would have fucking gone. I would have fucking moved to Florida or Mexico or fuck. The only thing that fucking mattered was you.”  
  
“I didn’t want to move to Alaska.”  
  
“You just didn’t want to be with me. Fuck Ry.” Michael says, he grabs onto the front of Ryan’s dress shirt, “It was fucking everything and you just dropped it. Fuck you.”  
  
“You were my best friend man.” Ryan bites his lip, “I lo-“  
  
“No.” Michael takes a step back because he’s not sure he can keep his fist from swinging at Ryan’s face, “If you loved me, we could have had this fucking talk six months ago and I wouldn’t have had to do all of this feeling like I was fucking dying all the time because like you’re not someone I want to be with.”  
  
“Don’t fucking use that on me bro,” Ryan says and his fists are clenched too, “Because I fucking remember you saying you loved me back. You fucking kissed me first. I was drunk as shit and you took-“  
  
“Don’t.” Michael stops him, “I’ve wanted to hear you talk for like six months but if you open your mouth again I’m going to fucking punch it closed.”  
  
“Do it.” Ryan shrugs and lifts his chin up. “Try me.”  
  
“You’re pathetic, leave.” Michael points to the door.  
  
Ryan doesn’t budge. He stands his ground, chin still up daring Michael to hit him.  
  
“The worst part is that you’re not even sorry.” Michael lets a breath out and takes another step back from Ryan, “You got what you wanted. You don’t fucking care.”  
  
Ryan doesn’t answer so Michael keeps talking.  
  
“I won’t tell your boyfriend that while he was flying here, you were in my hotel room begging me to fuck you.” The words come out of Michael’s mouth before he can stop them because yelling at Ryan makes it hurt a little less.  
  
“Stop dude.” Ryan tries, “Austin did nothing.”  
  
“The fuck he didn’t! He’s a doctor so he can’t be as dumb as you. Don’t tell me he didn’t know we were together.”  
  
“Shut up.” Ryan takes a step closer to him, one of his hand closed over his fist “Shut the fuck up.”  
  
Michael laughs, “Is that what I had to do to get you angry? Threaten your boyfriend?”  
  
“You talk to him and-“ Ryan punches his hand.  
  
“And what Ry?” Michael takes a step closer to him too, “What are you fucking afraid of? That he’ll leave you if he finds out you cheated on him like you cheated on me?”  
  
“Back the fuck off dude.” Ryan takes another step closer, “Stay out of my fucking life.“  
  
“It’s kind of nice.” Michael shoots off sarcastically, “To see you still fucking care about someone who isn’t you. What are you going to do? Defend his fucking-“  
  
Ryan swings first but Michael ducks in time. Michael’s first swing hits the side of Ryan’s face and his second lands square on Ryan’s eye. When Ryan swings back Michael catches his neck and pushes him against the upholstered velvet walls. Ryan’s blood splatters on Michael’s face but he pushes him back harder.  
  
“You’re going to fucking hit me again?” Ryan spits blood on the floor. He tries to wipe blood from running down into his eyes but Michael knocks his hand away.  
  
The curtain to the VIP room gets pushed back and Austin, Devon and Conor burst in.  
  
“Let go of him bro.” Austin threatens, “I don’t fucking care who you-“  
  
“Do you want to die motherfucker?” Michael spits out at him, “Stay the fuck out of this.”  
  
“You stay the fuck away from him asshole.” Austin is five inches shorter than Michael but he still grabs Michael’s arm. A security guard steps between them.  
  
“Yeah I’d be brave too with security behind me.” Michael drops his grip on Ryan’s neck and shoves him towards Austin, “ You can fucking have each other. Fucking deserve it.”  
  
“Do we have a problem here?” The security guard asks.  
  
“I don’t know, fucking ask him.” Michael rubs his knuckles and points to Ryan.  
  
“Do we have a problem here?” The security guard turns around to ask Ryan.  
  
Ryan stares over him to look straight at Michael. There’s blood running from a cut somewhere above his eye and more pouring out of his mouth. It’s all over his shirt.  
  
“No.” Ryan says and he has to spit out more blood before he can keep talking, “We’re cool.”  
  
“You both need to leave.” The security guard tells them, “We don’t-“  
  
“I’ll leave.” Ryan offers, “He can stay.”  
  
“Do you need medical assis-“  
  
“I’m a doctor.” Austin holds Ryan’s shoulder, “He’ll be fine.”  
  
Michael laughs.


	6. Hope you're heaven sent and you're hell proof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Devon makes the most sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this fix was going to end at chapter six but I couldn't make it happen. I really do love your comment guys and try to reply with as much info as I can. Thanks so much for reading.

**December 30th 2008**  
  
Ryan is telling a story.  
  
It involves Devon, the roof of his parent’s house, a skateboard, two dogs, the pool and an old prom dress but Michael’s lost the specifics.  
  
They’re in bed in some hotel room in Vegas a day before New Year’s eve. Michael has his chin propped up on Ryan’s chest. Ryan’s arms are around him and since he talks with his hands he holds Michael close.  
  
When he’s not busy gesticulating wildly in a scarily accurate impersonation of his younger brother, Ryan runs his fingers in slow patterns across Michael’s back.  
  
“… So Dev’s like climbing up and he’s trying to hold his skateboard and like we don’t have a ladder tall enough to reach the roof and like the net of Meghan’s dress gets stuck in the fucking rose bushes and then it’s-“ Ryan stops to laugh at the memory.  
  
While he laughs, he rests one of his hands on Michael’s shoulder and squeezes it.  
  
It’s one of the first times they’ve been able to get together since Beijing. Michael is everywhere and Ryan is trying to be everywhere and no matter what they try they can’t seem to ever be anywhere together.  
  
It’s not like dating a girl or even dating some other random dude. There’s so much attention around them already that they both know they’re playing with fire. That all it takes is for one person to see them together for the whole thing to blow up.  
  
Michael’s pretty sure a blow up would make both of them leave and he can’t imagine going back to how things were before their last night in Beijing.  
  
Ryan’s still laughing, his chest rises and falls quickly and Michael smiles up at him because this is fucking perfect and he’s sure that if they never make it out of the room to go party he’d be okay with it. After not seeing Ryan for months; he doesn’t feel like sharing.  
  
“What?” Ryan asks him, “You’re staring.”  
  
“You’re hot.”  
  
Ryan laughs again and messes Michael’s hair, “I know right?”  
  
“Shut up.” Michael had been thinking of licking one of Ryan’s nipples but he bites it instead.  
  
“Yo nice touches jerk.” Ryan smacks his head.  
  
Michael doesn’t answer but he scrapes his teeth over Ryan’s nipples again before sucking on it and Ryan groans. He curls his fingers around the back of Michael’s neck and pulls him up to kiss him.  
  
“I’ve fucked you three times since we got here.” Ryan grins at him when Michael starts grinding against him, “Slut.”  
  
“Too much?” Michael kisses Ryan’s neck trying to find the spot that makes him go crazy. He thinks that maybe he should permanently bruise it for convenience, “You’re getting old Lochte.”  
  
“Shut up.” Ryan reaches up and moves Michael’s chin an inch higher, telling him where to suck. “You’re the one who’s hell outta shape.”  
  
Michael doesn’t deny it because he knows it’s the truth, Ryan’s been back in the pool non stop since Beijing and he’s only gone once to race Anderson Cooper. He mentally weighs the importance of swimming against the importance of sucking on Ryan’s neck until Ryan’s hard underneath him and Michael decides that sucking on Ryan’s neck is definitely more important.  
  
“This should be like all the time.” Michael says when he’s sure he’s left a mark on Ryan’s neck. He pulls away and brushes his thumb against the red bruise against the tan skin.  
  
“My dick would fall off. Seriously.” Ryan tries to complain but his hands hold Michael’s hips tight against his and he spreads his legs further apart.  
  
“Let me fuck you then.” Michael keeps sucking on the same spot while he runs his hands down Ryan’s abs because it seems to be the key to get Ryan to agree on anything.  
  
“Yeah?” Ryan asks thickly.  
  
Michael nods against Ryan’s neck stroking his hands to Ryan’s thighs, he kneels up and props Ryan’s foot against his shoulder.  
  
“I want you so bad.” Michael’s already hard and he runs the head of his dick over Ryan’s shaft and down to press against him, teasing. He’s never topped him but right now there’s nothing he wants more.  
  
“Do it.” Ryan’s reached down to stroke himself, “Fuck me.”  
  
“You want it?” Michael wraps his free hand over the one Ryan has on his dick, slowing it down teasingly, “How bad?”  
  
“Dude.” Ryan drawls out, “So bad.”  
  
Ryan blindingly reaches out to the bedside table. He knocks down a glass of water, Michael’s cell phone and the room service menu before he finds a condom. He throws it to Michael.  
  
“We’re never gonna leave this room.” Michael kisses Ryan’s calf, “They’re gonna-“  
  
“Fucking search party. I don’t care. Fuck me.”  
  
  
 **December 31st 2011**  
  
Austin is doing all the right things.  
  
He moans quietly when Ryan slips into him and reaches to pull Ryan’s arm around his chest.  
  
Ryan lies on top of him, thrusting slowly trying not to think about how wrong this all feels.  
  
Austin’s hair is in his face and they’re both drunk. Ryan never manages to catch Austin’s rhythm and it’s not fast enough and not deep enough for him to get off. It’s frustrating as fuck.  
  
Austin is into it though; he’s moving against Ryan, tilting his hips back to change the angle and he brings Ryan’s hand down to wrap around his dick.  
  
Ryan tries not to think of the party they’re late for and how Devon’s still probably waiting for them to pick him up. He’s never left Devon hanging like that and he hates himself for-  
  
“I’m close, fuck me.” Austin cries out.  
  
Watching Austin get off is hot as fuck though. Ryan pulls out, flips Austin on his back and pins his hips down. When he slips back in he fucks him hard enough to start forgetting about everything else.  
  
“Not yet babe.” He lets go of Austin’s dick, “I’m not close and I want-“  
  
Austin gets louder and Ryan starts to moan back because once he’s the one in control he knows he can get off.  
  
“What the fuck?!”  
  
The light in Ryan’s bedroom is turned on and Carter barks happily as he jumps up the bed, finally allowed back in the master bedroom.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing?!” Devon yells again. He doesn’t turn off the lights or back out of the room. He stands there looking like he’s ready to fight.  
  
“Dev.” Ryan scrambles off Austin and brings sheets up to cover himself, “Dude, it-“  
  
“Don’t fucking Dev dude me bro.”  
  
“Devon.” Austin looks on from behind Ryan, “Leave.”  
  
“No.” Devon takes a step towards the bed, “You shut the fuck up and leave. You don’t know what you’re fucking with asshole. You’re fucking nothing-“  
  
“Dev. Stop.” Ryan says, “Just go downstairs and we can talk.”  
  
“I’m calling him.” Devon threatens, “You can’t do this.”  
  
Devon brandishes his cell phone and Ryan sees him scroll through his contacts for Mike.  
  
“He changed his number.” Ryan threads carefully, “Two weeks ago, if you don’t-“  
  
“Asshole I have his new number, we’re friends too, he’s like my fucking brother.” Devon’s upset and Ryan can see his hands shake, “And you don’t give a fuck Ry… You’re-“  
  
“Stop Devon.” Ryan tries to make his voice sound as firm as possible and he ends up sounding a lot like their dad “You’re not going to call him.”  
  
“Why? You’re the one fucking-“  
  
“It’s my life Devon, not yours.”  
  
“He’s my friend you asshole, you’re cheating on-“  
  
“You don’t understand!” It’s Ryan’s turn to be angry but the truth is that he doesn’t understand either. “I’m a fucking adult you don’t get how complicated-“  
  
“YOU’RE CHEATING ON HIM.” Devon yells, “WITH THAT FUCKING PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE. YOU SAID SO YOURSELF THAT HE’S FUCKED UP.”  
  
In bed, Ryan moves closer to Austin and grips his arm, “Stop Devon. Go downstairs.”  
  
“I’m calling him.” Devon threatens again, “Fuck you.”  
  
He backs out of the room without closing the lights or the door and Carter follows him.  
  
“Leave him.” Austin wraps both of his arms around Ryan’s chest.  
  
“I can’t.” Ryan throws the blankets back and grabs the first pair of sweatpants he finds, “He can’t call. He’s mad as fuck… I gotta. He’s my brother man.”  
  
“But I’m here.” Austin argues, “We were-“  
  
“He’s my brother.” Ryan snaps, “Just fucking wait.”  
  
He knows Austin’s not the problem but he has to be mad at someone and being mad at Devon when Devon is this close from blowing his whole life up doesn’t sound like a good idea.  
  
“Babe.”  
  
“I said fucking wait here.” Ryan yells harshly, “Don’t make this worst. For like once do what I say, fuck. Don’t come-“  
  
“Don’t talk to me like that.” Austin says quietly, “I did nothing-“  
  
“Fuck!” Ryan feels like he needs to punch something, “Shut up dude, I can’t… Go back to your room. I have to take care of-“  
  
“Baby.”  
  
Michael’s the only person who’s ever called Ryan Baby, something he used to yell out at him during relays that somehow got transferred over to the bedroom. Hearing Austin say it makes Ryan want to be sick.  
  
“Go back to your room.” He tells Austin.  
  
*  
  
Ryan finds Devon sitting on the couch, head in hands with his phone on the coffee table. He sits down next to him and Carter drops his head in his lap.  
  
“I’m sorry I bailed on you.” Ryan starts.  
  
“Fuck you.” Devon spits out, “Don’t talk to me.”  
  
“It’s complicated Dev, there’s a lot going on that you don’t –“  
  
“I’m not a fucking kid Ry, when you’re fucking dating someone you don’t fuck your roommate. Mike’s my friend, I gotta-“  
  
“Did you?” The thought of Michael finding out makes Ryan’s chest feel too tight.  
  
“No.” Devon says, “I don’t know what to do.”  
  
“It’s my life and like I’m-“  
  
“Making fucking stupid choices, dude.” Devon looks wrecked, “I’ve never… I look up to you and-“  
  
“I’m not perfect dude. I fuck up.”  
  
“You brought him over to mom’s for dinner.” Devon says disgusted, “He used to come to our Madden nights. You told me you let him stay because you thought he was in bad shape.”  
  
“He’s my friend and he is… His brother died dude.”  
  
“So you sleep with him? What the fuck.” Devon reaches for his phone, “Like he’s not a good person Ryan, that’s not the kind of date you bring home to mom he’s-“  
  
“A good guy, you don’t know-“  
  
“Mike’s a good guy.” Devon’s loyalty to Michael is admirable. “He loves you… He’s fucking family dude like… Fuck.”  
  
“I fucked up Dev.” Ryan’s shoulders drop and Carter reaches up to lick his face.  
  
They’re both quiet for a bit, Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve show plays on tv and Justin Bieber’s voice fills the living room. Neither of them reaches to shut it off.  
  
“He calls me.” Devon says quietly.  
  
“Who? Mike?”  
  
“No, Austin. When you’re like not there and I wasn’t going to say anything but he.” Devon stops.  
  
“He what Dev?”  
  
“Call Mike Ry… Fix it… This guy’s not worth it.” Devon drops his phone into his pocket and gets off the couch, “I’m going to the party… Come with me?”  
  
“What does Austin tell you Devon?”  
  
“He’s fucked Ry.” Devon scratches Carter’s head as a goodbye “Don’t do it. Call Mike… Fuck I hate Justin Bieber.”  
  
 **London 2012**  
  
Austin watches Ryan walk away with Michael and doesn’t know what to do. He finishes Ryan’s drink (which he realizes is just tonic water) and looks around for Devon. He spots him sitting at the bar alone and makes his way over.  
  
No one stops him to talk, no one apologizes when they bump into him and he’s sure he sees someone turn Michael Phelps’ mother around so she doesn’t have to see him. He’s not halfway drunk enough to deal with this and he starts hating Ryan for putting him in this situation and bailing to go talk to his ex-boyfriend. He pulls out his phone and sends him a text.  
  
“No 1 talks to me come back.”  
  
He waits thirty seconds for an answer and then sends another one. Once he’s sent three and his phone tells him Ryan isn’t even reading them he goes to sit next to Devon.  
  
“Hi.” Austin tells him, reaching behind the bar for a bottle of vodka and pouring a shot into Ryan’s empty glass.  
  
“What?” Devon looks up from Michael’s still half empty drink looking annoyed, “What do you want?”  
  
“Ry told me to come find you.”  
  
Devon blinks dumbly at Austin and turns around to talk to the first person that walks by him.  
  
“He said you’d hang out with me.” Austin tries again. He grabs Devon’s arm to get his attention.  
  
“No.” Devon shakes his head, “I’m not doing that.”  
  
“I’m alone, no one else wants to talk to me.”  
  
“That should be your first fucking clue you don’t belong here.” Devon laughs and then narrows his eyes, “Fuck off seriously.”  
  
“No. Ryan said to stay with you.” Austin insists.  
  
“You’re pathetic dude.” Devon waves at someone across the room and gets up, “Fuck off.”  
  
“Ryan said.” Austin tries again.  
  
“Where the fuck is Ryan?” Devon asks exasperated, “Why am I the one fucking babysitting you?”  
  
“He’s talking to Michael.”  
  
“Ry and Mike are talking?” Devon starts to look interested, “Alone?”  
  
“Yeah. They’re like fighting or whatever. He saw us-“  
  
Nathan is the closest person who’s taller than both Ryan and Michael and Devon grabs him by the arm, whispers something to him and they take off.  
  
Austin shoots back his drink and follows them.  
  
 **Beijing 2008**  
  
“D’you ever think.” Ryan flops back on Michael’s bed and grabs the television remote, “That like all these…” He waves at the medals on the floor, “Make your like… Head big?”  
  
Michael looks at him like he’s gone crazy, “No, I just did what I was-“  
  
“It’s not gonna be the same dude.” Ryan flicks the tv on and starts channel surfing, “Shit’s gonna change.”  
  
“Yeah,” Michael agrees, “For you too.”  
  
“I dunno man, I’m still the same.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
Ryan flicks through all the channels three times before settling on what looks like some kind of variety hour children’s show.  
  
“Are there like… No cartoons in China? Isn’t it suppose to be where like… Gundam and-“ He looks at Michael expectantly for an answer.  
  
“That’s Japan.” Michael shoves Ryan’s feet off his lap, “You have your own bed dude.”  
  
“Yours is closer to the tv.” Ryan throws the explanation and goes back to staring at the screen.  
  
He stays totally focussed on the program for another five minutes before turning over on his back to look at Michael, “I’m bored, wanna make out?”  
  
“That’s a bad idea.” Michael laughs off the suggestions, “Makes no sense.”  
  
“Why does it have to make sense dude? Why can’t it just be fun?” Ryan shakes his head like he’s clearly disappointed, “I’ve taught you nothing.” He finishes sadly.  
  
“You’re sick I don’t wanna.” Michael tries to explain.  
  
“I made myself sick, it’s not contagious. I’m fine.” Ryan waits for an answer but Michael refuses to give one, “Come on dude, we did it in-“  
  
“That was before we-“  
  
“Eight gold medals and you’re too good for me?”  
  
“Shut up.” Michael tries to sound flippant like making out with Ryan is actually a stupid idea and not something he’s been thinking about since the last time they had done it, “You have a girlfriend”  
  
“Not anymore.” Ryan plays with the ribbon of one of the medals hanging on the floor, “I’m a bad boyfriend.”  
  
“Sorry doggy.” Michael offers, remembering the nights he’d spent listening to Ryan go on about how this girl had been The One.  
  
“Whatever, she was crazy, they always are. It’s never what I want anyways” He admits.  
  
“What d’you want?” Michael asks carefully.  
  
“I like you.” Ryan’s answer is careful too. “I think that’s my problem.”  
  
“Hilarious.”  
  
Ryan’s turns the television off and sits up to face Michael, “Don’t laugh this off dude. I’m serious.”  
  
“Stop.” Michael tells him because he’s never known Ryan to be serious about anything, “Just go to bed.”  
  
“I’ve never had to work this hard to get laid.” Ryan complains, “Your medals don’t impress me Phelps, don’t play hard to get.”  
  
“Your face doesn’t impress me.” Michael retorts but he knows Ryan’s telling the truth.  
  
Ryan and him are best friends and Ryan’s been there the whole time. Ryan and his self appointed missions to teach Michael to have fun. Ryan and his 2am text messages about aliens that turn into 6pm phone calls about Celebrity Ghost Hunters: “Think they’d let us on? It be like being Ghostbusters”.  
  
Ryan doesn’t care about his medals and once they’re out of the pool, Ryan doesn’t really care much about swimming. Ryan cares about his dogs and his family and the manatee population of Florida. He can talk for hours about the clarity of diamonds and GTA cheats. Ryan who’ll stay up until 2am trying to regain his Call of Duty high score.  
  
Ryan and him are friends and after their relay in Athens (and after pretty much every race in Athens) they’d made out and had sex and Ryan’s curls always got in Michael’s face.  
  
“It does though, you love it.” Ryan puts a hand on one of Michael’s knees, “You like me too dude come on.”  
  
At Worlds in Montreal, Ryan had dragged him all along Rue Sainte Catherine looking for a skateboard shop that had some Enjoi board he’d been looking for and sold the new Lakai Koston’s. They’d gone the wrong way because all the signs were in French and ended up in the gay village. Ryan hadn’t given a shit because they were in Quebec and no one knew who they were. He’d been right and Michael had held his hand.  
  
“I give motherfuckin’ good head son.” Ryan interrupts Michael’s thoughts. He climbs on his lap and nips at his jawline.  
  
“If people find out.” Michael tries to keep resisting but it’s pointless because Ryan has no concept of the word no.  
  
Instead he wraps his arms around him and pulls off his USA swimming polo shirt before tangling his fingers in the curls Ryan keeps threatening to shave off.  
  
“No one’s gonna find out baby.” Ryan kisses him and grins when he pulls away, “It’s just us.”  
  
 **London 2012**  
  
Michael’s laugh hurts worst than the two punches Ryan takes. It hurts because he knows that Michael is right; that he’s fucking pathetic and that it’s even more pathetic that he’s here with Austin.  
  
It takes one fucking laugh, five months too late to make Ryan realize exactly what the fuck he did wrong. By the time he fucking figures it out though, the VIP room is shit show and Michael’s over him.  
  
There’s a security guard separating him from everyone else and Nathan and Devon are crowding Michael against a wall trying to get him to calm down. Before Ryan can find a moment to say something to save face, a different security guard arrives to escort Austin and him out of the club.  
  
Ryan hears Austin ask for a first aid kit and say that they’ll leave once he assesses the injuries. He feels like telling Austin to shut the fuck up and walk out to a car alone and get back to the hotel. There’s no part of him that wants to still be in this club because he knows there’s no one here that wants him to be there.  
  
Even Devon doesn’t follow him out of the VIP room and that hurts because Devon’s always been in his corner. He passes Michael’s mother as Austin leads him out and he’s glad there’s so much blood running down his face that he can’t see her expression. He feels her hand linger on his arm but Austin has a firm grip on the back of his suit jacket and marches him to a bathroom.  
  
“The asshole’s trying to find the first aid kit but like towels will work, whatever. Sit.” Austin says and he pushes Ryan down on another low white bench in the bathroom.  
  
Ryan obeys and he wipes at his eyes trying to see something through the blood but Austin’s pulling his hands away and handing him a towel to wipe them off with.  
  
“Let me see your head? Close your eyes so blood stops getting into them.” Austin holds Ryan’s chin and guides his head down towards him, “When he hit you did you pass out?”  
  
“No.” Ryan pushes Austin away. He stands up and spits more blood into a sink, “He got my face not my head.”  
  
He turns on the tap and drinks straight from it to rinse his mouth. After he spits the water out he splashes some over his face and wipes it with the already blood stained towel he’s holding.  
  
“You have to put pressure on it.” Austin pulls at his shoulder, “Sit babe. D’you remember what-“  
  
“I got fucking punched in the face.” Ryan snaps, “I don’t have a fucking concussion. Stop.” He blocks Austin from getting to his face.  
  
“Stop fighting me.” Austin roughly takes one of Ryan’s hands off his arm, “Let go of my arm Ryan.”  
  
“Don’t touch my face.”  
  
“Fine.” Austin drops the towel on Ryan’s lap, “Keep pressure on it yourself.”  
  
“Can you not be a fucking doctor right now?” Ryan throws the towel off his lap and wipes more blood away with his hands.  
  
“Can you not be a dick?” Austin snaps back, “I’m trying to fucking help you. Your touching your wound with dirty hands that’s-”  
  
“I gotta get out of here.” Ryan groans, “You have to fucking get out of here too.”  
  
“Then we’ll leave baby but your face is bleeding.” Austin takes Ryan’s chin in his hand again and holds another towel against his cut.  
  
Ryan lets Austin take care of the cut over his eye because there’s already a lot of blood all over the place and it’s starting to make him feel queasy.  
  
“No, we gotta leave now before someone says something and there’s more people waiting outside for pictures. You go and I’ll be like ten minutes behind.”  
  
“I’m not leaving alone.” Austin mutters.  
  
“Come on dude, I just don’t wanna.”  
  
“No.” Austin says, “I’m not leaving alone.”  
  
“Fuck Aust.” Ryan hits the bench, “This isn’t to piss you off, my face is fucking busted so it’s gonna be big and I just. This isn’t about you fuck. You’re so fucking.”  
  
“What? I’m so fucking what?” Austin’s voice is threatening but he still holds pressure to Ryan’s head and Ryan can feel his fingers go through his hair looking for bumps and other cuts.  
  
“Just fucking-“ Ryan starts and then reconsiders. He thinks about where they are and how Austin is and decides to bite his tongue. “Never mind. We’ll leave.”  
  
“You asked me to come here.” Austin reminds him hurt. “You said you needed me with you and-“  
  
“I know.” Ryan says but for the first time he wishes that Austin wasn’t there, that he didn’t have to deal with his dramatics. He wishes he was out there with his friends and Devon. That he was out there with Michael’s arm around his shoulder.  
  
Instead he’s stuck in a bathroom with a bleeding face and someone everyone he knows seems to hate. He’s stuck in a bathroom with someone he’s not so sure he wants to be with anymore.  
  
 **May 2009**  
  
“Yeah I could never like get into a relationship in Gainesville, I’d have to like wait to get out.” Ryan explains to the guy holding the camera sitting across from him. He slumps back on the couch and waits for Grevers to fill in the silence.  
  
His phone rings between them talking about laps, tattoos and Matt’s pecs. Once the cameras are off and he’s slumped so low on the couch he’s practically laying down, Ryan goes through all them and grins.  
  
“Yo, who was that?” Grevers asks him, “Because the look on your face is just stupid.”  
  
“No one.” Ryan mumbles and doesn’t look up from his phone.  
  
Matt reaches over, grabs the phone out of Ryan’s hand and holds it away from him to read the messages  
  
“Phelps?” He laughs, “That look on your face is for Phelps?”  
  
“Fuck off.” Ryan gets up and punches him hard, “Fuck you.”  
  
“Couldn’t find someone in the Gspot so you went all the way to Baltimore?”  
  
“I will fucking-“ Ryan punches again, trying to hit Matt’s stomach, “Gimme back my phone asshole.“  
  
“You and Phelps?”  
  
“No.” Ryan climbs on top of him and keeps punching Grevers’ head trying to get him to drop the phone. “Fucking assface dude come on.”  
  
“So when he says.” Matt palms Ryan’s face away with one hand and goes through his text messages with the other, “In your bed waiting baby. It’s strictly bro?”  
  
“Fucking personal.” Ryan mumbles through the hand Matt’s clapped over his mouth. He struggles to close his fist around Matt’s wrist.  
  
“For like something you say’s nothing you’re fighting me... FUCK.” Matt laughs out loud, “That’s a fucking dick pic dude you’re caught.”  
  
He hands the phone to Ryan who grabs it back roughly, “You’re a fucking douche bro.” He punches him in the arm to add emphasis.  
  
“You and Phelps?”  
  
“Whatever.” Ryan stands up and brushes curls off his forehead, “No.”  
  
He studies Matt’s face trying to figure out what to say next, to think he’d let the guy use his shampoo half an hour before. He tries to look like he doesn’t give a fuck.  
  
“You should see your face dude.” Matt says but he’s stopped laughing, realizing he’s stumbled on maybe the only thing Ryan Lochte’s going to take seriously. “I don’t care dude, like what you guys do-“  
  
“Dunno what you’re talking about.” Ryan shoves his phone into his pocket and walks out, “But I’ll fucking drown you Greevers.”  
  
*  
  
“How the fuck am I training and you’re not?” Ryan asks Michael once he gets home, “How d’you get all this free time?”  
  
“Morning.” Michael yawns, stretching out.  
  
“It’s 2 pm dude.”  
  
Michael shrugs and grabs Ryan’s arm pulling him down beside him on the bed. Ryan buries his head against Michael’s chest, running his fingers against his side; slipping them under the old soft t-shirt Michael wears to sleep.  
  
Michael is warm and he draws his fingers through Ryan’s hair and massages his temple. Ryan had solid plans to go out for lunch but he finds himself falling asleep.  
  
“We got a problem.” He mumbles sleepily once Michael throws the comforter over him.  
  
“Not getting up.” Michael mutters.  
  
“Grevers knows.” Ryan sighs  
  
“About what?”  
  
“Us. He read through my fucking phone.” Ryan moves up on the bed and leans against the headboard.  
  
“It’s ok Ry.” Michael rolls sideways and puts his head on Ryan’s stomach, “We’re okay, you’re okay… This isn’t bad.”  
  
“Um…the fucking worst dude.” Ryan rubs a hand over his face “I can’t.”  
  
“You can’t what Ry?” Michael pushes himself up to sit beside Ryan, “Dude we hid it for like a year people were gonna find-“  
  
“Can you get with it?” Ryan looks stressed,  
  
“Chill Ry.“ Michael has never seen Ryan stress out about anything in his life. “It’s not like Grevers is TMZ dude.”  
  
“Who knows about us?” Ryan says through the hands that are now covering his face.  
  
“No one babe.”  
  
“Who knows?” Ryan repeats, “Legit, everyone counts. Your mom, your sisters, Coach Bob, Everyone counts.”  
  
“Who have you told?”  
  
“Nobody, fuck. My parents wouldn’t-” Ryan peaks at him through his fingers, “No one knows man, I make up stories about going on dates with chicks, people buy them. Devon doesn’t fucking know.”  
  
“Devon knows.” Michael laughs, “You’re fucking dumb if you don’t think Devon knows.”  
  
“I never said-“  
  
“He pretty much lives here dude, I think he notices we sleep in the same bed and you’re loud when-”  
  
Ryan groans but knows Michael’s right, there’s no way Devon’s bought his lies for that long. He cringes at all the times Michael’s come to visit him while Devon was spending the weekend or hanging out after school.  
  
“Fuck fine Devon knows. My mom probably knows too.” Ryan concedes  
  
“He calls me your husband dude. I can’t believe you-“  
  
“Who have you told?” Ryan asks again,  
  
“We’ve been together for like a year Ry. People figured it out.”  
  
“So your sisters?”  
  
“Yeah.” Michael admits.  
  
“Your mom?”  
  
“I haven’t like told her but she-“  
  
“Coach Bob?”  
  
Michael doesn’t answer that one; he just looks down at his hand.  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
“Are you fucking serious? You think my sisters are going to call up TMZ and sell them our family pictures?”  
  
“Yo, did you not get the same fucking speech from your manager about not being out? After the pizza place they-”  
  
“It’s Grevers Ryan.” Michael tells him again, “He’s our friend, he won’t… The worst he’ll do is put condoms in our room at meets. Get over it.”  
  
“If it leaks dude-“  
  
“Were we gonna break up?” Michael asks him.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Then eventually we gotta come out.” Michael shrugs, “Like this is… Like…” He stops and looks away, “Like I love you.”  
  
“Me too.” Ryan doesn’t miss a beat, “I fucking…”  
  
“Say it.” Michael dares him.  
  
“I fucking love you… I’ve never said that to-“  
  
“I know. So like… Eventuall we gotta come out. I’m not saying we call up Bob Costas tomorrow. But after we’re done with everything and it’s just us… We don’t have to host a party but-“  
  
“My dad though.” Ryan looks stressed, “He’d…”  
  
Ryan gets quiet and Michael bumps their shoulders together trying to get Ryan to look up. It’s hard for him to get how Ryan’s feeling because he’s never thought once about how his own dad would react to him dating Ryan.  
  
His mom had acted like it was normal, like catching Ryan and Michael kissing in the kitchen when they’d been sent to get the pot of coffee and the cinnamon buns on Christmas morning was a regular thing.  
  
“I’ll still be here if your dad isn’t with it. It’ll be okay Ry.” Michael remembers their talk in Beijing and how Ryan had been the one reassuring him.  
  
“Our kids.” Ryan says bumping his shoulder back against Michael’s “Are gonna be the best fucking swimmers.”  
  
“Yeah.” Michael tugs on Ryan’s curls bringing their lips together. When they pull away, Ryan leans against his chest.  
  
“So what d’you tell Grevers?” Michael asks him, “I know you threatened him.”  
  
“That I’d drown him. How d’you know?”  
  
“He texted me to say my boyfriend was crazy.”  
  
“I’m gonna put hair dye in his shampoo.” Ryan plots for a second, “I’m starving dude, let’s go get food before I gotta go back out.”  
  
“You’re insane.” Michael pushes Ryan’s head off of him playfully, “I fucking love it.”  
  
 **London 2012**  
  
“I’m fine fuck, I’m okay.” Michael holds up his hands to Nathan, “He swung at me first. You can let me go I’m not going to go after him.”  
  
Devon takes a step backwards and sits down and Nathan walks away.  
  
“Why did he try to hit you?” Devon asks.  
  
“I said I’d tell Austin that Ryan spent the night in my room.”  
  
“You were together?”  
  
“He was drunk.” Michael takes a napkin from an empty drink tray and wipes Ryan’s blood off his face. “Nothing happened.”  
  
“Your shirt’s full of blood.” Devon points out.  
  
“Yeah, hazard.” Michael balls up the towels and throws them into what he hopes is a garbage can and not a sculpture, “I’m gonna head out dude. Maybe I can change my flight and bail out tonight. I’m over it.”  
  
“Switch shirts with me.” Devon offers.  
  
“You want a souvenir or something?” Michael makes fun of him, “Dude, I hate your brother but we’re cool.”  
  
“No.” Devon takes off his suit jacket and drops it on the ground, “Yours is full of blood and whoever’s waiting outside will see it and they’ll figure out you and Ry got into a fight. If I’m covered in blood it doesn’t fucking matter.”  
  
“You’re.” Michael messes up Devon’s short hair, “You just saved my like being chased by paps for… Thanks.”  
  
“Just… don’t like do anything to make him… He’s not…” Devon groans, “I’m not trying to defend what he did but he loves you dude. I know it.”  
  
“We’re over Dev.” Michael hands Devon his dress shirt, “If I really wanted to make him mad, I’d hit on you.”  
  
“Austin tried.” Devon spits out, “He’s fucked dude you don’t even know.” He hands his own shirt to Michael, “It’s probably gonna be too small, sorry.”  
  
They both get dressed in silence and Michael examines his face on the mirrored backsplash of the bar to make sure he’s gotten all the blood off. There’s a forgotten bottle of tequila under the bar and he takes a swig before handing it to Devon.  
  
“Go find Ryan.” Michael redoes his tie, “If you don’t trust the asshole he’s with, go make sure he’s okay.”  
  
Devon holds the tequila bottle without taking a drink.  
  
“Say it.” Michael tells him.  
  
“Do you still love him?” Devon asks quietly.  
  
Michael shrugs and takes the bottle back from him; tequila reminds him of bad college parties and horrible hangovers but he takes another drink instead of answering.  
  
“If he was in your room last night, like… there has to be something there and…. I know he’s still… Ry will figure it out like I’ll… He can’t keep thinking…”  
  
“Stop Dev. Just go find Ryan.”  
  
“If you care-“  
  
“I do.” Michael admits, “But I shouldn’t and it’s not…”  
  
“No.” Devon takes a shot from the bottle, “That’s all that matters Mike, he cares too.”


	7. I know what they don't wanna tell you

**London 2012**  
  
Ryan and Austin manage to escape through the back door of the club, walk one block and catch the car back to the hotel in front of a crowded bar.  
  
There are no photographers waiting at the hotel and Ryan looks at his shoes as they cross the lobby. Austin puts an arm around his shoulder and Ryan fights down the urge to shrug it off.  
  
Up in their room, Austin gets ice, puts some in a washcloth and holds it to Ryan’s face.  
  
“Hold it there babe.” He says.  
  
It’s not the doctor voice from before and Ryan feels Austin’s fingers stroke the back of his neck.  
  
“I’m gonna go get a first aid kit from downstairs. I’ll be right back.” Austin explains, “Keep icing it and maybe we can get the swelling to not be so bad.”  
  
Ryan nods and he starts to feel sorry for behaving like an asshole because Austin is just trying to help. Austin didn’t come to London to start fights, Austin hadn’t even wanted to go to the party; Ryan had forced him to stay.  
  
“Thanks.” Ryan says.  
  
“I don’t think it’ll hurt if I kiss you.” Austin says carefully.  
  
“No,” Ryan turns his face away, “There’s like blood in my mouth and my jaw fucking kills dude just… I don’t want to like-“  
  
“It’s okay, I get it. Go wash out your mouth… Make sure none of your teeth are loose. I don’t think we need to take you to an ER.”  
  
“Dude.” Ryan can’t help but smile, “Aren’t you like the ER?”  
  
“I don’t come with an x-ray machine and I left my prescription pad at home-“  
  
“That would be your super power dude! X-ray vision!” Ryan laughs and his tongue definitely feels like it’s swollen. He carefully starts running it over his teeth hoping not to catch any jagged edges.  
  
“Just like… There’s Tylenol in the bathroom, take two and that should help the swelling go down with the ice… I’ll just go get the first aid kid and I’ll check out your jaw after okay?” Austin cups Ryan’s chin in his hand and carefully kisses him.  
  
“Ow.” Ryan breathes after Austin pulls away.  
  
“That didn’t hurt.” Austin laughs, “I’ll be back.”  
  
As soon as Austin is out of the room Ryan drops the ice on the coffee table and makes his way to the bathroom. He flicks on the lights and winces at his reflexion. The bruising hadn’t been bad back at the club but an hour later, there’s dried blood by his temple and his eye has busted blood vessels and is quickly swelling shut. His cheekbone is bruised purple. He can tell this won’t go away in time for his press tour and that there are probably not enough makeup artists in the world to cover it up.  
  
He rinses out his mouth with water and spits out more blood. The inside of his cheek is raw and he definitely bit down hard on his tongue. There’s a cut on the side of his lip that starts to bleed again. He digs through his bag for his mouthwash and it stings like a bitch when he gargles but his mouth tastes less like dried blood afterwards.  
  
All his teeth feel solidly in place and he walks back to the bedroom to go change his shirt. There’s a bruise on his arm from Mike’s hand and so he chooses something with long sleeves.  
  
By the time he sits back down with the now half melted ice, Austin walks through the door.  
  
“So they wanted to send a doctor up and I was like, it’s ok… I’m a doctor but I really don’t think they believed me, I think they just think I’m drunk so if another doctor comes like I tried dude… They probably think you’re baller travelling with your private physician.”  
  
“Just my boyfriend.” Ryan smiles, “My teeth are good.”  
  
“Your lip’s still bleeding though, fuck I hope you don’t need stitches… Tip your head back for me.”  
  
“I will if you don’t use your doctor voice.” Ryan argues back, “If not I’m just going to bed like every other time some asshole’s punched me in the face.”  
  
“I can’t help it okay,” Austin grabs gauze from the first aid kit and tries again: “Just put your head back it’s easier with the light.”  
  
“Fine.” Ryan rests his head on the back of the couch and waits.  
  
From the corner of his eyes he sees Austin pull out a pair of latex gloves.  
  
“You’re going to wear gloves?”  
  
“Yeah, you’re bleeding. It wouldn’t be sanitary if-“  
  
“We don’t use condoms.” Ryan laughs at how ridiculous it is.  
  
“I don’t want to… You know what motherfucker.” Austin drops the gauze and the gloves back into the first aid kit and shoves it off the coffee table. “We’ll do it your way. Go to bed.”  
  
“I was just joking dude.” Ryan reaches out to grab his arm.  
  
“You’re not fucking funny okay? You’re hurt. I’m trying to help you and you’re being an asshole. Like what the fuck did I do wrong Ry?”  
  
“Nothing- I…”  
  
“I’m not the reason you got into a fight with him okay? I didn’t even want to go and then I wanted to leave. I didn’t come to fucking London to piss off your ex-boyfriend for you. Were you there tonight? None of your friends wanted to talk to me, Devon didn’t want to talk to me. You left me fucking alone and then when we stopped the fight you started acting like an asshole and you haven’t stopped.”  
  
“I’m just…” Ryan doesn’t have time to say a full sentence before Austin cuts him off again.  
  
“Like I get who you are and that this is big but I didn’t come here to be your-“  
  
“I know.” Ryan admits.  
  
Ryan puts the ice down on the coffee table but Austin picks it back up and holds it against the bruise on his jaw.  
  
“I have to tell you something.” Ryan puts his hand over the one Austin’s using to hold the ice.  
  
“Fuck.” Austin mutters.  
  
“I was drunk last night and my sister brought me to his room-“  
  
“Why?”  
  
Austin kicks the first aid kit back to him and takes the gauze back out; he holds it to the cut on Ryan’s lip.  
  
“Because I asked her. I was drunk dude… I didn’t mean to-“  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“Nothing?”  
  
Austin looks at Ryan suspiciously but keeps holding the gauze to his lip, keeping pressure against the cut. Ryan’s pretty sure Austin’s interrogation is meant to keep his mind off his face.  
  
“I passed out there and like came back here in the morning.” Ryan tries to hang his head but Austin keeps it leaning back. “I was drunk babe I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay.” Austin says.  
  
He moves the ice from Ryan’s face and runs his fingers across his cheekbone and then his jaw.  
  
“Open and close your mouth for me?“ Austin’s voice is quiet and he doesn’t make eye contact with Ryan.  
  
Ryan does as he’s told and tries no to wince when Austin presses against his jaw. He doesn’t try to tell Austin to stop again.  
  
“I don’t think he broke anything, your eye’s going to swell but your pupil is reacting to light. If you keep icing it, the swelling might not be as bad… Did you take the Tylenol?“  
  
“Can you not be a doctor for a second dude, just-“ Ryan ducks from Austin’s hand, grabs his face and forces Austin to make eye contact. “Like I was drunk and fucked up from the interviews-“  
  
“You chose me.” Austin shrugs and puts the ice back on Ryan’s face, “Like whatever, you’re here. I win.”  
  
 **January 8th 2012**  
  
Devon never comes back to the house after New Years.  
  
Without Devon, there’s no need to hide. There’s no need to check class schedule against hospital rotations and now that Ryan and Austin have had sex it feels like the line’s been crossed.  
  
Austin acts like Ryan’s made a choice. He slips his hand in Ryan’s back pocket when they stop somewhere after skateboarding. He kisses him when Ryan drops him off for his night shifts. He talks about not having to go to his birthday party at his parent’s house alone.  
  
Ryan starts to remember what it feels like to actually date someone who’s there all the time. That it feels nice to have another body in his bed and to not have to resort to text messages and Face Time phone calls.  
  
Ryan finds himself calling Michael less and less. More than once he doesn’t reply to text messages and he never returns the calls he misses while he’s in the pool. He knows he’s making a conscious decision to not make an effort. He knows he’s being transparent. He knows he’s lying.  
  
When Devon doesn’t come home, Ryan asks him to come meet him after morning practice.  
  
Devon shows up ten minutes late with his hands jammed in his pockets.  
  
“Dude.” Ryan reaches out to hug him and but Devon pulls away.  
  
“Wanna walk to the lake? “ Devon asks, “We need to talk.”  
  
“I can drive you home dude.” Ryan offers, “I know you’re done class for the-“  
  
“No.” Devon shakes his head, “I want to talk to you alone.”  
  
“Austin just started a sixteen hour shift, he won’t be there“  
  
Ryan throws his backpack in his car, grabs his sun glasses and a lukewarm bottle of Gatorade from behind the driver’s seat; he offers it to Devon and grabs another one for himself.  
  
“Let’s just walk to the lake okay?” Devon kicks a rock and plays with the cap of his bottle. He tears off a bit of the plastic seal with his thumb.  
  
“Sure.” Ryan agrees, “Whatever you want bro.”  
  
They walk side by side in silence, which is odd for them. Devon’s phone rings and he ignores it. Ryan watches him kick the same rock for an entire block before it gets stuck under a car parked at the curb.  
  
When they finally reach the lake, Devon drops on the grass with his legs stretched out and Ryan sits down cross-legged in front of him.  
  
“Where’ve you been dude?” Ryan searches through the grass for a rock to throw into the water, “Like you haven’t been home since.”  
  
“At mom’s” Devon still won’t look at him, “I might just move back there.“  
  
“Don’t dude.”  
  
“Drop it okay?” Devon finds a rock and chucks it into the lake. “It’s not what I want to talk about.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
Ryan can’t remember a time when things between Devon and him have been so tense. Even when Devon had dropped out of swimming the year before Ryan had tried to not be on his case about it, to try and understand that Devon just couldn’t deal with the pressure.  
  
Ryan had a told a reporter that he fully believed Devon could be better than him and it had been the truth. But Devon had quit and Ryan hadn’t asked questions.  
  
They stay quiet for a few more minutes, Devon throwing rocks and Ryan peeling the label off of his Gatorade bottle with his car keys before Devon starts to talk.  
  
“There’s a guy in my econ class who’s like brother went to med school with him.” Devon doesn’t say the name but they both know he’s talking about Austin.  
  
Ryan throws a rock into the lake and thinks he sees the tail of a gator flick it away.  
  
“He’s fucked dude.” Devon finally looks at Ryan, “Everyone who’s in his class knows it.”  
  
“No.” Ryan shakes his head and defends Austin in spite of himself, “I’m not gonna just go with what you say ‘cause some dude in your econ class-“  
  
“Just listen to me.” Devon says frustrated, “like his roommate kicked him out because he locked himself in the bathroom with like a gun and they had to call the cops and then he tried to kill himself with pills and no one saw him for two weeks. Like everyone thought he’d drop out and… Like that’s when we didn’t see him for like weeks remember? It’s because he went fucking psycho and-“  
  
“He had a fight with his ex.”  
  
“D’you ever see him? D’you ever see pictures or hear stories about him or… come on dude you’re not stupid. This guy’s whacked.”  
  
“Because this dude in your econ class’ brother said so?”  
  
“He told me.” Devon’s voice goes back to being quiet, “I was complaining about you being all over my life to him once and he said his brothers did the same thing to him because they were scared and when I asked why he fucking laughed and said that he’d tried to kill himself when he was-“  
  
“Stop Dev.”  
  
“Yo, you’re going to believe him?” Devon says outraged, “Over me, you’re going to believe him!”  
  
“I never said…”  
  
“They wanted to kick him out of med school.” Devon interrupts, “Or like his residency or whatever but his dad’s on the board or some shit so he got to stay. He’s… using you Ry.”  
  
“He’s not Dev, we’re friends.”  
  
“So you fuck all your friends?” Devon spits out in a tone Ryan’s never heard him use.  
  
“Stop. You don’t understand.”  
  
“He’s not worth it.”  
  
“You don’t know.”  
  
“No you don’t know.” Devon’s voice is harsh, “What the fuck are you even doing with him? You’re with Michael Ry. “  
  
“I made a mistake Dev. What you saw wasn’t-”  
  
“You fucking him? Don’t even try.”  
  
“I was drunk, it was New Year’s, I wasn’t-“ Ryan talks faster than he can lie.  
  
“So it was one time? Like you guys aren’t?”  
  
“We’re not.” Ryan lies again and lying to Devon feels like the worst thing, “It was just-“  
  
“I don’t think he thinks that way.” Devon says and his tone is no longer hostile. “He really is fucked Ry and everyone who knows him gets that. You shouldn’t be living with him dude, like make him leave.”  
  
“I can’t Dev, he’s my friend.”  
  
“He’s fucking you over Ryan, he doesn’t want to be your friend he wants you to be with him. If you can’t see that you’re dumb as-“  
  
“I can deal with it.” Ryan says calmly hoping to convince his brother, “We were drunk on New Years dude…”  
  
“You always do this!” Devon throws his Gatorade bottle at him in frustration, “You think people are good and they’re not. Yo, like he’s not someone you need to fucking rescue dude. Your life is good and-“  
  
“You know fuck all about my life Dev.” Ryan says it without thinking.  
  
“Pro life tip bro.” Devon shouts, “If everyone around you is telling you the same fucking thing. Maybe you’re the one who’s wrong. Got it?”  
  
“Stop Devon.” Ryan cuts him off, “Just… I know you’re trying to help dude but it’s okay.”  
  
“Fine.” Devon stands up, “Do whatever the fuck you want but like I’m not going to… I’ll come get my stuff but I’m going back with mom Ry. I’m not living with a psycho.”  
  
“Dev come on.” Ryan gets up too and starts walking after him.  
  
“You pick him over Mike that’s your own fucking problem but like you picking him over me? That’s whacked Ryan, I thought we had each other’s backs-“  
  
“We do, I always ta-“  
  
“No.” Devon takes longer strides away from him, “You don’t.”  
  
 **Febuary 14th 2012**  
  
After their fight, Ryan tries to get Austin to eat but Austin just tears his pizza into pieces, eats part of his crust and pushes his plate away. He reaches for the bottle of vodka in the freezer and Ryan decides not to stop him. He figures that watching a sixteen-year-old kid die after you’d tried to save them merits a night of getting shit faced.  
  
Austin falls back asleep on the couch an hour later with his head on Ryan’s lap. Ryan plays with his hair while he watches tv but his fingers keep getting caught in knots and fed up with having his hair pulled Austin shuffles upstairs to bed.  
  
Ryan finishes the movie and Carter takes up the spot Austin had been occupying. As he closes the lights downstairs and in the hallway, Ryan notices that the door to Austin’s bedroom door is closed. For a second he thinks that maybe Austin has decided to sleep in his own bed.  
  
Austin though is curled up on the left side of Ryan’s bed, as far away from the middle as he possibly can get. One of his arms is off the mattress and his hand brushes the floor. Instead of walking up to the right side, Ryan takes off his shirt and his pants and climbs right over Austin; sure to wake him up.  
  
“Fucker.” Austin mumbles. “Stop waking me up.”  
  
“You were falling off.” Ryan lets his fingers skim over Austin’s hair, “Like if you’re gonna sleep here at least… sleep here y’know. If you’re that far away you might as well be in your room.”  
  
“I don’t want to be alone.” Austin mumbles. He turns over, tucks one arm under his pillow and reaches for Ryan with his other.  
  
“You’re not.” Ryan tugs Austin’s pillow closer until Austin’s resting his head right beside Ryan’s shoulder.  
  
“I’m sorry I got mad.” Austin says quietly. He kisses Ryan’s shoulder. “I just want… to be able to…”  
  
“I know. It’s like not good enough.” Ryan drops an arm around Austin’s waist and curls into him, “I’ll fix it I promise.”  
  
“You make it okay.” Austin breaths out, his voice is quiet.  
  
Austin is wearing a USA swimming shirt Ryan is pretty sure pre-dates Athens. There’s a hole in the collar and the cotton is super soft from eight years of wear. Ryan sneaks his fingers under it to rub against Austin’s sides.  
  
“D’you have practice?” Austin asks.  
  
“Yeah, I gotta be up at five.”  
  
“Don’t go.” Austin complains, “I don’t have to go in… It’s like.”  
  
“I gotta.” Ryan kisses him, “I can’t miss.”  
  
“I don’t want to be alone.”  
  
“You have to go in and talk to the… whoever your brother said, he gave you the numbers.”  
  
“I’m not doing that.” Austin pushes his face away from Ryan’s.  
“Yo I’ll be back before you wake up, don’t worry.” Ryan yawns and closes his eyes, “Then we can like… chill and you can come to the gym with me. Just sleep dude come on.”  
  
*  
  
Ryan’s phone rings at 4am. His right arm is dead asleep under Austin and his left is still under Austin’s shirt. He pulls both of them away and he feels Austin shift beside him.  
  
“Hi?” He’s still half asleep and his eyes can’t focus on the caller ID. He doesn’t even bother looking for clothes before walking out of the bedroom.  
  
“Yo,” He says again when the other person doesn’t answer, “Who’s calling?”  
  
“Ry?” Devon sounds scared.  
  
“Dev?” Ryan’s voice hitches too, “What’s wrong?”  
  
Devon hasn’t willingly talked to him since the day of their talk by the lake. Ryan’s not exactly sure how he’d explained his moving back home to their mom but she hadn’t asked any questions and they’d managed to be civil to each other at Sunday night dinners.  
  
“They’re pressing charges… Like it was in January but now they’re pressing charges now and I don’t fucking know what to…” Devon rambles on without finishing anything.  
  
“Slow down Dev, where are you? I’ll come over.”  
  
“No. Don’t. Mom doesn’t-“  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“I got caught selling weed to a cop.” Devon says and Ryan can almost see him hang his head.  
  
“You did fucking what?”  
  
“I thought it was just some kid… like it wasn’t even… it was an ounce for like forty bucks and then the guy’s a cop and they have it on video and-“  
  
“I’ll come Dev. I’m on my way. Don’t do anything…” Ryan’s not exactly sure what he’s afraid Devon will do.  
  
“Mom’s not.”  
  
“I’ll tell mom with you dude… Do you have to go in? Is there…”  
  
“I don’t know.” Devon’s panicking for real now. “Fuck are they gonna… Dad dude, dad’s gonna kill…”  
  
“Dev.” Ryan walks back into his bedroom and flicks on the light, forgetting about Austin. He picks up the first pair of shorts and the first shirt and starts getting dressed, “Breathe Dev, we’ll figure it out. I’ll help you. I got you Dev okay? Are you outside the house? Wait there, I’ll pick you up.”  
  
“You have practice.”  
  
“Fuck practice dude seriously, give me like… Fuck… twenty minutes? Don’t do anything, don’t…. Just breathe and wait… D’you want to keep talking while I drive?”  
  
“Yeah.” Devon admits, “I don’t wanna.”  
  
“Fine I’ll call you back in like two okay, I need to call… Just wait where you are. Two minutes. I’m calling you back. It’ll be okay.”  
  
Ryan hangs up and looks at the bed to see Austin sitting up bleary-eyed looking pissed.  
  
“Who’s worth missing practice for?” He says angrily.  
  
“Devon’s getting arrested or I don’t know if… I gotta be there.“  
  
“So he’s more important?”  
  
“Yes.” Ryan admits, “Right now he is, look if you… fuck you have a brother call him and-“  
  
“You said you would stay. I don’t wanna be alone.”  
  
“I don’t have fucking time Aust.” Ryan snaps, “Devon needs help. Watch tv or something. Go skate… Get drunk I don’t care. I can’t stay here.”  
  
“I’m coming with-“  
  
“No.” Ryan says firmly, “No. I’m going. Not you.”  
  
“I don’t know what I’ll do if I stay alone.” Austin throws.  
  
“What the fuck does that mean?” Ryan throws back, “Yo I don’t have time for this, I told Devon I’d call back-“  
  
“You don’t fucking care.” Austin jumps out of bed and storms out of the room.  
  
“What the fuck are you…” Ryan drops after him, his thumb hovering over the speed dial for Devon.  
  
“Just fucking leave.” Austin yells while he’s heading down the stairs, “You don’t care Ryan so fucking leave.”  
  
“Devon needs help.” Ryan yells at him, “If it was your fucking brother you’d do the same thing that-“  
  
“My brother’s fucking dead, thanks asshole.”  
  
“Fuck you dude.”  
  
Ryan debates even going into the kitchen but his car keys are on the counter by the fridge. He walks in to catch Austin drinking straight from the vodka bottle while he pillages through his backpack.  
  
“That’s gonna help Austin… Just go back to bed… Like I don’t even… I HAVE to go. Devon’s about to go to jail or I don’t know, he’s waiting for me and… What the fuck dude?”  
  
Austin pulls out a prescription bottle from his backpack and Devon’s words from a month ago echo in Ryan’s head.  
  
“Give me the bottle Austin.”  
  
“Go fuck yourself.”  
  
“Why are you doing this?” Ryan can feel his panic level skyrocket, his phone buzzes in his hand and it’s Devon. He has to answer.  
  
“You said you were calling back.”  
  
“I was.” Ryan rubs a hand over his face, “I’m just looking for my keys man… Are you outside mom’s house?”  
  
“I went back in.”  
  
“Ok good. Good.” Ryan walks over to Austin and pushes him hard against the pantry door, holding a hand over his mouth. “Look dude my battery’s about to die I’ll plug it in the car. I got you okay Dev? You’re good.”  
  
Ryan hangs up and drops his phone in his pocket. Austin’s not even struggling against him but his fists are balled up.  
“You really want to try to hit me dude?” Ryan taunts, “I’ll knock you out with one punch don’t even try. Gimme the pills.”  
  
Austin drops the bottle to the floor and Ryan kicks it away from them.  
  
“Whatever this fucking bullshit is. It stops. Got it?”  
  
Austin just glares at him.  
  
“I’m calling your brother.” Ryan searches through his contacts, hits dial and puts it on speaker phone, “You’re gonna tell him to come over and get you or I’m telling him what just happened and from what I hear this isn’t the first time you pull this-“  
  
“No.” Austin begs, “Don’t. I’ll go back to bed. Hang up.”  
  
“I can’t deal with you dude.” Ryan takes a step back and hangs up.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Austin hangs his head, “I’m still all… from earlier and…”  
  
“I gotta go.”  
  
“I know. I won’t.” Austin takes a step closer to Ryan.  
  
“I’ll call you when I get there okay?” Ryan pulls Austin into him and hugs him hard, “Don’t do that again dude… Like I can’t…”  
  
“I know.” Austin rests his forehead against Ryan’s shoulder, “Go… Like I won’t-“  
  
*  
  
Once he gets into his truck, Ryan’s hands shake so hard that he has a hard time dialling Devon. He speeds like crazy on his way to his mom’s house trying to soothe out his nerves and clear his head. He wishes he’d brought Carter with him.  
  
It takes a full day to sort out Devon’s problem and Ryan goes with him everywhere trying to be as supportive of a dumb life decision as he can. He helps Devon tell their mom and lets Devon hide behind him while he tells their dad.  
  
He’s sprawled out on Devon’s computer chair with his feet up against Devon’s sleeping body when Michael’s ringtone wakes him up.  
  
“Yo, did my gift not make it?” Michael asks before Ryan can say anything, “Or like was it so awesome you didn’t know what to say?”  
  
Valentine’s Day. Fuck.  
  
“I haven’t been home dude.” Ryan says and for once it’s the truth, “Dev got charged with possession and selling pot and it’s been-“  
  
“Oh shit. I didn’t-“  
  
“Yeah no one does. It’s okay… He’s probably gonna get community service and… He’s just dumb.” Ryan toes Devon’s leg with his foot, “Wanna yell at him?”  
  
“No, it’s okay. You had a rough day?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I’ll let you sleep dude, I hope your fam’s okay.”  
  
“Mhmm” Ryan’s eyes are already halfway closed. He looks at Devon’s bed and tries to evaluate if there’s enough room for him on it. “love you.” He says because he’s half asleep and Mike’s being nice.  
  
“I didn’t love your singing delivery guy though.” Michael laughs, “He had to get through the whole song and he was wearing like a diaper it was so-“  
  
“You loved it.” Ryan laughs, that idea had been brilliant when he’d thought about it back in September.  
  
Ryan kicks off his shoes and steals one of the pillows Devon’s hogging. He squeezes into the free space beside Devon, pushes him farther away and tugs on his blankets.  
  
“Go back to sleep Ry, love you.”  
  
*  
  
When Ryan gets home, Austin’s not there and it’s lonely as fuck.  
  
 **London, 2012**  
  
It’s late and Austin is sleeping; Ryan can’t sleep and he’s tired of staring at the ceiling. His jaw hurts and he can feel how swollen his eye is. The ice pack on his bedside table is warm and he doubts there’s any ice in the bucket on the desk.  
  
Austin sleeps with his pillow over his head and his back to Ryan so it’s easy for Ryan to get out of bed without disturbing him. He finds his phone and uses the light of the screen to find pants and a hoodie. He grabs his wallet off the coffee table on his way out.  
  
The light in the hallway is dim and his flip-flops sound incredibly loud as he walks down the hallway trying to find an ice machine. Instead of an ice machine he finds a sign telling him that it is located two floors up; Michael’s floor.  
  
Ryan debates the pain in his face against the odds of Michael wandering the hallways at three in the morning. He decides that Mike’s probably asleep and hits the elevator button.  
  
It dings, the doors open and he comes face to face with Mike.  
  
“What the fuck.” Mike groans. “Seriously?”  
  
“Ice.” Ryan holds up the bucket, “For my face.”  
  
“Fell asleep watching a movie with Devon.” Michael explains even though he really doesn’t need to.  
  
Ryan nods and plays with the plastic edge of the bucket,  
  
“I have an ice pack for my hand in my room.” Michael offers and he bends and unbends his fingers almost to prove his point. “Yours if you want.”  
  
“You don’t have to. I can get ice.”  
  
“It’s there and I’m not using it.” The doors to his floor opens and he holds the door motioning for Ryan to get out first, “It’s just an ice pack dude, that’s it.”  
  
“Fine, yeah, thanks.” Ryan agrees awkwardly. He steps out and turns left to walk to Michael’s room.  
  
He’s willing to wait in the hallways but Michael waves him in.  
  
“Fuck your face looks rough.” Michael reaches for Ryan’s chin and tips his face so that he can look at the bruises.  
  
Michael’s never seen Ryan bruised from a fight. Ryan always fights to win or walks away he’s never just stood there taking hits.  
  
Out of habit and the alcohol more than anything else Michael’s fingers brush up from Ryan’s chin to the uninjured side of his face and into his hair. Ryan hangs his head and Michael’s hand falls to the back of his neck.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan says.  
  
“Just-“ Michael doesn’t want Ryan to talk or to look up or to do anything. He wants him to stay there with his head bowed because this doesn’t hurt. He grazes the back of his other hand against Ryan’s side.  
  
Ryan’s hoodie is old and soft. Michael remembers him wearing it to bed one night in Baltimore when a storm had knocked out the power and it had been so cold in his bedroom they’d let Herman sleep with them. Ryan had kept the hoodie on while giving Michael head and his nose had been cold but the fabric had felt good against his skin.  
  
He tips Ryan’s face back up and brushes his thumb over the bruise under his eye and the cut on his cheek. Ryan grits his teeth but doesn’t wince or pull away.  
Michael’s always loved how tough Ryan can pretend to be and how quickly that façade falls apart when he trusts someone enough to let go.  
  
“I don’t wanna go back to my room.” Ryan admits in a whisper.  
  
His words break the spell. Michael drops both of his hands and Ryan takes a step back.  
  
“I don’t want to be…” Ryan starts to say but he realizes Michael doesn’t need to hear it. He shuts up and takes a step back.  
  
“You made your choice.”  
  
Ryan nods and it makes something behind his eye throb. He closes his eyes and rubs his temples with his fingers. He tries to think if Austin had left the painkillers on the bathroom counter.  
  
“Is it like the same?” Michael asks knowing the answer has the potential to hurt. He’d heard about it from Devon but Devon wasn’t Ryan and Ryan’s answer is the one Michael cares about.  
  
“No.” Ryan shakes his head and winces. His eyes stay closed.  
  
Michael doesn’t know what to answer so he walks to the mini fridge to get Ryan his icepack. He knows he’s too drunk to be making good decisions and the alcohol is starting to wear off enough for the pain of everything he’d learned earlier to start breaking through.  
  
His glasses are in the fridge on top of the icepack and he wonders how drunk he really was when Devon and him had come back to his room so that he could grab a shirt that wasn’t covered in blood.  
  
“Here.” Michael grabs Ryan’s wrist and presses the icepack to his palm. He puts Ryan’s hand back against his face.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“Want me to walk you back?” Michael offers. He doesn’t give Ryan the option to stay here. Ryan can’t stay here.  
  
“No.” Ryan readjusts the ice pack just under his eyes, “I didn’t drink, I’m okay.”  
  
“I have an early flight so…” Leave. Michael wants to say. Being this close to Ryan is dangerous. Being this close to Ryan who doesn’t want to go back to his room, who is sober and wants to stay here is like pouring gasoline over a campfire.  
  
“Yeah.” Ryan agrees, he picks up his ice bucket, “Thanks for.” He doesn’t finish because Michael’s already turned away from him. He drops the icepack in the ice bucket and makes his way to the door.  
  
He stops with his hand on the doorknob; the same door he’d stormed out of earlier that morning.  
  
“Can we fix it?” Ryan asks, not turning around.  
  
There’s a pause and Ryan tenses waiting. Hoping for Michael to walk up to him put a hand on his shoulder and say yes. Ryan thinks of going down to his room, of waking up Austin; telling him that it’s over and putting him on a plane back to Florida tomorrow. It would be a mess but-  
  
“No.” Michael answers.  
  
 **August 2004, Athens**  
  
Ryan won’t take off his laurel wreath and Michael thinks he looks ridiculous.  
  
There’s a lot about Ryan that is ridiculous and Michael’s pretty sure he loves all of it.  
  
“Yo.” Ryan calls out from his bed, “Are we gonna keep not doing anything about it?”  
  
Ryan rolls over on his side from his stomach on his small bed and almost rolls off. He almost falls off and has to use the floor to steady himself.  
  
“About what?” Michael answers. Ryan never speaks in full sentences, like he expects people to read his mind.  
  
“You and me, like… right?”  
  
“Full sentences.” Michael requests. Ryan makes him feel dumb because Michael never knows what he’s talking about.  
  
“You think I’m hot?”  
  
Michael shrugs.  
  
“You do.” Ryan says for him, “I think you’re hot too.” Ryan rolls back on his stomach and his laurel wreath falls off his curls a little and he puts it back in place.  
  
Michael laughs.  
  
“Yo you laugh but I got plans man, I get what I want.”  
  
“What’s that?”  
  
“You.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll pick back up in another series, I just needed to put all their past behind them here.


End file.
